Last Thursday The Pilot and I went hoped into a vehicle and decided to road trip it the five or six hours to the big city because I had a grandiose plan of purchasing a new car only to name it Tom Selleck in which I would hang a moustache from the rear view mirror. We also went with The Pilot’s Gay Husband who honestly isn’t really gay but is The Pilot’s Best! Friend! Ever! Whenever the two of them get together they always manage to get into some type of stupid trouble and The Pilot always talks about his friend in an excited He is the Best! Friend! Ever! Voice that reminds me of a sugar hyped five year old.
Because I am a morning Nazi I decided that we were all going to have to be up at the ungodly hour of five in the morning so we can hit the road early only to realize once again that The Pilot is not a morning person and it was like trying to excite a near dead horse into a frenzy of activity. It didn’t help when GH didn’t wake up until six in the morning.
If I had a whip or a gun I would have shot-whipped both of them into action and managed to keep our schedule.
The Pilot kept insisting on finding excuses of prolonging our departure and the final straw came when he decided that we needed to clean his vehicle last minute and unpack all the crap he had in the back because for some reason the night before he figured it wasn’t the best time to do it and it was best to do it sometime after the crack of dawn.
When we finally got into the vehicle we went and picked up GH who, shortly after grabbing breakfast, passed out asleep in the back of the vehicle with his sausage egg-McMuffin clutched in his cold, sleepy hands.
That left The Pilot and I to entertain ourselves with music or conversation. Since our tastes in music is varied against each other it was only inevitable that I would be denied sleep and would have to have a conversation with The Pilot the whole time he was driving to ensure that he would stay awake.
Somehow we got on the topic of different types of guns and that eventually lead to what would happen if someone invented a gun that shot rapists out of the barrel and how it could effectively be used to subdue protest hippies.
Halfway through the drive I was forced to change spots with The Pilot while GH still slept happily in the back and despite almost sending us into the ditch while I tried to remember how to work the wipers the drive up to Edmonton was pretty uneventful. Compared to the last time we drove up, that is.
The last time we drove up we were attacked by the body of a dead rabbit that came shooting out of a semi’s back wheels and splattered on our hood and volleyed up over the top of the vehicle.
Upon getting to the big city we, or rather I because I was the Road Trip Nazi, had grand plans of all the places we were going to visit --- The Zoo, The Museums, The Mall, The IMAX Theatre, oh and getting a car.
Which, honestly, car shopping isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be because we managed to come across every scum-bag car dealer in the world which ranged from old men refusing to actually sell us a car but would become angry when we questioned his sales technique to the old man that kept trying to up sell us to the other man who tried to go behind The Pilot’s back when he was asking questions and sell me a piece of crap car that he figured I would just fall in love with and force The Pilot to buy me even though it was my money that was purchasing a vehicle to a creepy old man that kept ogling my boobies and barely answering the questions we had about vehicles to our satisfaction.
Then there was the one car dealership where I had a bit of stomach indigestion and had to go the bathroom right! Now! And ended up literally destroying the bathroom that was attached to the show room and had a toilet that would flush itself every five seconds while I was in the middle of my business that destroyed the bathroom while The Pilot and GH milled around and pretended to be interested in a new vehicle.
Needless to say I didn’t buy a car from that place. Or I should have for destroying their bathroom.
We stayed at The Hilton and had some fantastically nice rooms and GH ended up getting a free breakfast voucher because they found him wandering the halls in his underwear at two in the morning trying to find out where the noise that was bothering him was coming from and they gave him the free breakfast voucher in hopes he would just stop wandering around in his underwear and go back into his room and never come out again.
We never did get get to go to The Zoo, or Museums, or the IMAX. Instead we went to the mall, Olive Garden (where they totally spiked my drinks despite asking for no alcohol and ended up pretty buzzed by the time the second course came around) and Applebee’s because I wanted to try new restaurants.
I didn’t get a car though much to The Pilot’s disappointment because he really did not want me to feel that the trip wasn’t a waste of my time and was worried I would have felt bad about the trip afterwards.
But, honestly, how can you feel bad about a trip in which you come home with a brand new Apple Desktop and a brand spanking new DSLR Camera?
Well, I do feel bad about that massive poop I did but that’s beside the point.