Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Pilot And When He Flew Into My Life Pt.2

The world of Internet dating on Internet dating sites is a strange, weird world filled with strange, weird people that probably want to stick you in a hole with lotion and a hose only to eventually wear your skin and prance around with their genitals tucked into their legs. And during my foray into this weird, weird world I had my fair share of encountering those type of people.

Some of these people wouldn't even hide the fact that there was something wrong with them. Right off the bat they'd talk about how I should doing their masterbating for them down by the river in the dark with ropes and other gross, creepy things that would have led to me being buried in a ditch or a hole or the river and those emails got deleted as fast as they would arrive.

Then there were some that weren't creepy or weird but normal people that things just didn't quite work out with. Like the one guy who once I had determined was "sane" enough and given him my phone number decided that it was OK to send me texts that were overtly sexual and kind of odd but then I decided to ignore and divert to other safer, topics until the night we went on a date and had pasta and then he had me sit in his car for a good forty minues in my driveway while he showed me Weird Al music videos on his ipod. I was only set free when I sent a stealthy text to my best friend (who, luckily for me, happened to be staying with me for a month or so) and had her come outside and tap on the passenger door window to rescue me and ensure my freedom.

I never had a second date with that guy.

Or the guy who took me out on our date to Tim Horton's as an unknown group date with his friends which ended up with us playing boardgames in a weird old ladies house and since I never played the board game before and I ended up utterly dominating the other players in my victorious win I was sent home and never bothered to try to arrange anything else with the guy.

So after these two dates I was pretty put off by what I had encountered online and was ready to put in the towel. What was the point? To me, at time the, it was pointless. Nothing was coming from it and you know what? I was growing happier each day just being me and not worrying about some boy.

Wouldn't you know, it always works out that way. The moment you declare "I do not need a penis in my life!" BOOM, suddenly you get a penis. Well, not your own, but someone elses. Like, a borrowed penis. Not for keepsies. You still have your vagina.

It was then that The Pilot popped up into my radar. He messaged me first and when my email dinged and proclaimed that I had mail, I was watching television with my best friend and was only slightly bored so I decided to check it out. Both of us sat there for fifteen minutes looking at what he wrote and what his profile was about. It was full of airplane pictures and pictures of him and his corvette. It wasn't a profile that really jumped at me but it was mildly interesting and like I said, I was bored.

"Are you going to message him back?" my friend asked in mild curiosity herself.

"Yeah, I'll give him my email so we can talk to each other on MSN." which was an odd first step for me to pick because I normally didn't give my email out that quickly and just preferred to spend an extended period of time messaging back and forth on the website.

Seconds after I had sent it to him, MSN dinged with an offer from an email I didn't know and it was him! Excitement all around! At first we did the normal small talk about names and how long we were in the town together and blah blah blah and I could sense that my friend was getting mildly interested just as my interest was growing.

But it got to the point in our conversation that things started to get interesting and I got more interested and as my interest grew the more I kept shielding the screen from my friend. I didn't want her to see my excitement or interest after I proudly proclaimed my "No Need For Penis" stance.

The funny thing about our first conversation? It was funny about how we both kept trying to make creepy references and only served to make each other laugh.

The Pilot is six years older then me, in fact this September he's going to be thirty while I just turned twenty-three this past January. I was twenty-one and he twenty-eight-going-on-twenty-nine when we met. Naturally, of course, we talked about his shag carpeted stranger-danger van and all the candy he'd have to offer me and the fact that it was way past my bed time and his retirement home was calling and it was time he went to have his sponge bath.

It was funny, I was laughing and no one had made me laugh like that. So when he so casually gave me his cellphone number I gave it back and then he declared it was time for him to eat dinner (which seemed odd because it was 10:00pm at the time) and he would talk to me later and promptly got offline.

And I left it at that.

Until before I fell asleep he texted me.


  1. A very sweet story-I remember the excitement when you get interested in someone and start chatting up a storm :) I met my boyfriend through on-line dating site as well. The description of the creeps is VERY true! OMG Ewww. *shudders*
    Sometimes you are just curious - how weird can they get, but sense of self-preservation makes you delete those e-mails lol.
    On a few dates, I started doing this - whenever we drive somewhere to eat or go for a walk, as soon as the car stops, I would say " it where I am going to be killed and buried?". I know - horrible joke, that would usually freak out people, but ones with sense of humour just laughed.
    These days, whenever friends I haven't met ask how we met, I usually go "You know, the old fashion way - he ordered me on Russian mail-in brides site". (the fact that im originally russian definitely helps the joke).
    I am glad i tried online dating but I definitely DONT miss it, did you like any part of it?

  2. @ Maria: The only really thing I liked about online dating was being able to live any type of stalker fantasies by going through the profiles and judging and laughing and pointing and just generally being all rude and snobbish until the panic of getting a message set in.

    Love the russian bride joke, it's a classic.


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