Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Parenting? We Got This

(Conversation between The Pilot and myself while he is away for a few days.)

Me: How was dinner?

The Pilot: Ok, my tummy is full of water though

Me: Giving birth to a water baby? Going to have a water birth?

The Pilot: Haha to much drinking from heat

Me: Can we name the baby Aquafina?

The Pilot: Sure

Me: And only raise it in the finest of glass bottles.

The Pilot: Ya.

Me: And it's unwanted younger sibling, Poop, will be locked in a box and buried.

The Pilot: Ya or left on a sidewalk with underpants

Me: Obviously we've already picked our favorite child.

The Pilot: Haha

Me: When we have real kids, we should set up mini Olympics every four years and the winner becomes the new four year favorite.

The Pilot: Haha ya summer and winter

Me: And it's just hardcore amateur sports. You pick your player, I pick mine. And it's just full out competition. Loser is ignored for four years. It will make them work harder for the next win. The (Insert Our Future Last Name) Olympiad.

The Pilot: Haha, torches to be lit

Me: Then later we will write parenting books and film education videos for sale on our websites
and when one ends up a psycho murderer, we'll blame in on video games.

The Pilot: haha

Me: That's a life plan right there.

The Pilot: ya, my team gets red uniforms.

Me: My team gets flame shirts. And their theme song will be "Final Countdown" cross faded with "Eye of the Tiger".

The Pilot: Can i use huey lewis? Lol.

Me: Yeah, if you want your team to be continually ignored over four years. OH BURN. Your team mascot can also be Phil Colins riding a unicorn.

The Pilot: Haha your lucky i agree to keep Terence Trent Darby out of this.

Me: Why? Because you want him to be the unicorn that Phil Colin's is riding? You can have that on your shirt, no problem.

The Pilot: Haha well you might loose to team Horatio.

Me: I pity your child that is chosen to wear that shirt. A t-rex with laser guns for arms is going to be my team mascot.

The Pilot: Ya. well I am gonna eat your t-rex for breakfast.

Me: Yeah, not going to happen. My kid will slip your kid steroids and get them disqualified from the favorite Olympics.

The Pilot: haha

Me: I guarantee, we are probably going to fuck up at least one of our kids. Probably after the first games.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Just A Bunch Of Balls In My Mouth.

As much fun as I'm having in Film School, I don't think I was fully prepared for the fact that once I'm just doing school that's all I really get to do. It's been a weird experience being back at school full time instead of doing it part-time while working.

It's like, now my life revolves around my class schedule and I don't get to book vacations all willy-nilly and go where I like. It's all based on the school's vacation times. And you know what? This school don't really take no vacation.

Which sucks balls.

That's what my school schedule is like right now. I have to stand in line at a predetermined and always the same time and suck on some big ole sweaty balls and gargle them for a good solid three hours before I move onto the next pair of big ole sweaty balls.

And by the end of the day, my mouth is so dried out from all those balls and I think my teeth might have been flossed several dozen times but I'm satisfied with all that ball sucking.

I guess what I'm saying is that Film School, so far, is like having to suck an old guys balls but you fucking enjoy it so god damn much.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


Do you know what happens when you've got a script due today and you spent all weekend Eastering it up and just doing nothing and suddenly you realize, "Fuck, I got NOTHING DONE!" and then you stay up all night frantically trying to come up with something to write about that would encompass a five minute short?

You write a script about beards. And Gypsy's.

But mostly about beards.

I think it's because I have a complete inability to grow a beard that makes me fascinated with them and I wanted to delve into the world of beards.

Or maybe it's because The Pilot was sporting a pretty bad ass beard this holiday weekend and it was all I could think of writing as I was staring at his face in the middle of the night as I used the Internet to avoid getting my script done.

Or maybe it's because I have a burning need to find a Gypsy and just ruin them before they can ruin me with a Gypsy curse.

Or maybe I've just finally hit the edge of insanity when it comes to procrastinating my school work.

I'm starting to think it's the insanity part.

Or maybe it's because I couldn't stop watching this.

Friday, April 6, 2012

I'm Off To Eat That Rabbit's Ass Candy

I'm off this weekend to go to The Pilot's parents house to eat me some rabbit ass candy and just naturally sit around and do nothing at all. Yes, I've got some homework and some scripts to write but, you know, those will be my excuse to avoid all the things that may or may not be un-fun this Easter.

Because, you know, I'm a student so all I do is show up and sponge food and resources and conveniently escape out of any type of responsibility because I have homework.

Well, at least that's my plan.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

They Took Our Shit But Didn't Take Our...Huh..Yeah, They Took Our Dignity.

Last night, we got robbed. Someone broke into our vehicle and took our things and probably rubbed their penis all over the drivers seat where The Pilot usually sits the most and probably wiped their butts with our insurance and registration papers because we'd need those, you know, because we got robbed.

The Pilot was the first to notice that the lock on the drivers side door was loose and sort of broken and I got into the vehicle without him unlocking it. A lot of our stuff was rooted through and the only things that happened to be missing was our GPS and all our charging cables that we use on long road trips. Basically, they took the only good stuff in that shitty vehicle.

So that left The Pilot having to deal with calling the police while I sauntered off to my second day of Film School and I got to sit around and watch Film clips with kids that are several fucking years younger than myself and have no clue what it's like to function as a cohesive team in the real world.

There are only six of us and I'm the only thing preventing it from being a straight up sausage fest by throwing in a little clam.

Otherwise it's been a very interesting two days of school and the rest of the week looks like it will be grand!

Unless we get robbed again.

I hope they take the dog.
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