Monday, March 7, 2011

I'm Sort Of A Relationship Guru, Like Dr. Phil, But Better

Top 10 Things One Should Probably Not Say To Your Boyfriend Unless You Are As Awesome As Me
 1)"Let's invite your gay husband over for dinner. You know, that friend of yours you are gay with?"
2) "So, they were handing out free sex changes at work so I decided to get a bigger dick then you so we can spend the afternoon comparing them. Or sword fighting. Or, you know, playing with them."
3) "Can I punch you in the face? No? Fine, can I throw the dog at your face?"
4) "When did your vagina get bigger then mine?"
5) "I brought you home a cup cake that has a black penis on it. And a penis straw. I thought you'd enjoy these."
6) "I bought you a rape whistle for tonight. Because I'm going to rape you. Put that on your calender."
7) "I'm so going to buy us a breeding pair of pygmy goats and then when they have babies we're going to raise them to fight gladiator style and if your pygmy gladiator goat beats mine I'm going to fucking cut your face."
8) "Just remember, when your bromance with the dog takes the next natural step in your relationship, wrap it up. He's kind of a slut and I'm not sure I want to date someone who's got Canine AIDS."
9) "I'm thinking of having sex with your corvette. What type of cheap wine should I seduce her with?"
10) "Every time I call you Megalodong I picture your penis as a giant prehistoric shark that wants to eat my vagina. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that anymore."


  1. You're so romantic.
    I ask #4 a lot in my house.

  2. This made me laugh out loud. And I thought some of the shit I said to my husband was weird!!

  3. @Jess: I think The Pilot and I's relationship is solely based on who can say the funnier or stupider things to each other. It's a competition I always win.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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