Friday, July 8, 2011

Today happens to be my mother's birthday and let's forget that fact that she's probably turning a hundred years old or something and focus on the real important thing that happened today, shall we?

Just a few minutes ago I dropped my dog off so I could pay someone a lot of money to chop off his nuts. I'm picturing that they will use a giant pair of gold scissors and pretend that his ball sac is the red ribbon that is going to open up a mall that is bigger and better than the last mall because this mall has two extra bathrooms and a fountain. And then a guy will give a speech about how awesome it was to build this new mall and how he wants to thank Jebus and his wife for the chance to use the giant scissors to cut the ribbon and SNIP SNIP SNIP! My dog no longer has balls. All the town citizens cheer and then go use one of the two extra bathrooms.

The day didn't start out all that great because I had to wake up stupid early to make sure he was at the Vet at the proper time so he could be checked in and when I was like "Dude, we are going to mutilate you today so how about coming for a walk?" he literally shit a brick (no he didn't because that'd be gross) and started freaking out because all he heard was "walk" and not anything about the part of mutilation.

I never saw a dog so happy to go get his nuts chopped off before just because he got to walk to the vet and when we got to the vet? He decided he was going to take a giant, steamy pile of turd right in front of their door that was made of glass and had the whole vet staff sitting in the front to watch this steamy turd. The turd sat there with accusing eyes and the vets were probably judging me on what I did and if I didn't pick it up and put it away they would probably give my dog shitty care and maybe leave one nut behind just for the hell of it. Luckily I don't want no freak one balled dog so I had to pick his stuff up and lucky I had a bag in my purse to do so.

When we got inside the dog was all "This place is cool but I've been here before and it's stupid. All these ladies suck balls and you know what? They can suck my balls because I'm sitting like a toddler holding my breath at the door and make you look like a dick who can't control your dog." and I may be a dick that can't control my dog but I've got a bit of dignity, ya know? So I dragged him along the floor so I could talk to the people. I could sense their interest in doing a good job lowering by the second.

When I get let into the Technicians office to get him checked in I literally had to beg her not to keep my dog over night because The Pilot would be so sad and that my dog has thing where he can't be apart from us ever and will probably explode on the spot if he's left over night at a strange place. She gave me the whole "Wow, you are a shitty pet owner because you want to break the rules we have set in place" look before finally agreeing and making me fill out three pages of paper work.

Then she asked me "Does your dog only have two balls or one?" and I totally thought the standard dog always had two balls but what do I know, I'm not a vet? So I sort of look at the dog as if he would take the lead on this one and show her how much balls he has but he was more interesting in being a dink and ignoring both of us because, what do you know it? He's going to town on his balls.

So, being the sophisticated smart person I am I could only answer "Well, I'm pretty sure he's got two balls because he likes flopping those around for everyone to see but I haven't actually counted it before. He might have a third surprise ball, but who knows? Does it cost extra if he happens to have three balls?"

And that's when she took my dog away from me and I'm pretty sure she might not give him back but surprise is on her! He's a giant dick.

A big enough dick, however, that he didn't even whine when she took him away from me. He was just all "See ya whore, I'm going to the Holy Land!" and that was that.

Remember, I'm doing a giveaway today! So technically this is your last chance to enter to win a super shirt that will let everyone know how big a dork you are. Or it might possibly give you super powers.

1 comment:

I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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