Some Get's A T-Shirt While Someone Lost His Nuts!

As I stated in an earlier post today was the day that my dog got his nuts chopped off and because The Pilot is such a suck butt and couldn't be away from his dog for like five minutes or overnight, I begged the techs to let us take him home only if we promised to bring him in for a check up in the morning just to make sure, like, he didn't die or commit suicide throughout the night because they had stolen his balls.

Needless to say he was sort of drugged up and I had this plan that I was going to pick the winner of the giveaway by writing their names on little pieces of paper and throwing them in a frenzy at the dog and which ever one ended up in his protective cone would win. But those bastards didn't give him a cone and I'm pretty sure it's because I warned them not to charge me if they find an extra nut.

So with no cone I was highly disappointed as we left the vet only to be highly amused by the fact that my dog is in fact stoned. And lucky for him he will be able to get stoned tomorrow because they gave us more pain killers for him to hand out throughout the next couple days because obviously they think I'm a dink and want me to get my dog addicted to prescription medications I probably wont be able to afford thus pushing him into a doggy gang that would lead to him someday getting stabbed. All because I asked about that third nut.

Just to show how stoned my dog is I naturally took pictures and it's like....he looks pretty fucking happy for a dog who just had his nuts forcefully removed from between his legs.

Without a cone I had to come up with another way to find out who the winner was and after some heavy debates and a few stiffen shots and laughing at my dog as he sort of wanders around in a daze and then panicking a bit because he may or may not have pulled some of his stitches, I managed to find a winner.

Jen O. just happens to be the lucky person who gets that Dork T-Shirt from Dork Designs and now that means the rest of you can weep and cry and possibly lynch mob her. Who knows, maybe the person who manages to dislodge her from her horse in a long drawn out civil battle could get the t-shirt instead!

Today happens to be my mother's birthday and let's forget that fact that she's probably turning a hundred years old or something and focus on the real important thing that happened today, shall we?

Just a few minutes ago I dropped my dog off so I could pay someone a lot of money to chop off his nuts. I'm picturing that they will use a giant pair of gold scissors and pretend that his ball sac is the red ribbon that is going to open up a mall that is bigger and better than the last mall because this mall has two extra bathrooms and a fountain. And then a guy will give a speech about how awesome it was to build this new mall and how he wants to thank Jebus and his wife for the chance to use the giant scissors to cut the ribbon and SNIP SNIP SNIP! My dog no longer has balls. All the town citizens cheer and then go use one of the two extra bathrooms.

The day didn't start out all that great because I had to wake up stupid early to make sure he was at the Vet at the proper time so he could be checked in and when I was like "Dude, we are going to mutilate you today so how about coming for a walk?" he literally shit a brick (no he didn't because that'd be gross) and started freaking out because all he heard was "walk" and not anything about the part of mutilation.

I never saw a dog so happy to go get his nuts chopped off before just because he got to walk to the vet and when we got to the vet? He decided he was going to take a giant, steamy pile of turd right in front of their door that was made of glass and had the whole vet staff sitting in the front to watch this steamy turd. The turd sat there with accusing eyes and the vets were probably judging me on what I did and if I didn't pick it up and put it away they would probably give my dog shitty care and maybe leave one nut behind just for the hell of it. Luckily I don't want no freak one balled dog so I had to pick his stuff up and lucky I had a bag in my purse to do so.

When we got inside the dog was all "This place is cool but I've been here before and it's stupid. All these ladies suck balls and you know what? They can suck my balls because I'm sitting like a toddler holding my breath at the door and make you look like a dick who can't control your dog." and I may be a dick that can't control my dog but I've got a bit of dignity, ya know? So I dragged him along the floor so I could talk to the people. I could sense their interest in doing a good job lowering by the second.

When I get let into the Technicians office to get him checked in I literally had to beg her not to keep my dog over night because The Pilot would be so sad and that my dog has thing where he can't be apart from us ever and will probably explode on the spot if he's left over night at a strange place. She gave me the whole "Wow, you are a shitty pet owner because you want to break the rules we have set in place" look before finally agreeing and making me fill out three pages of paper work.

Then she asked me "Does your dog only have two balls or one?" and I totally thought the standard dog always had two balls but what do I know, I'm not a vet? So I sort of look at the dog as if he would take the lead on this one and show her how much balls he has but he was more interesting in being a dink and ignoring both of us because, what do you know it? He's going to town on his balls.

So, being the sophisticated smart person I am I could only answer "Well, I'm pretty sure he's got two balls because he likes flopping those around for everyone to see but I haven't actually counted it before. He might have a third surprise ball, but who knows? Does it cost extra if he happens to have three balls?"

And that's when she took my dog away from me and I'm pretty sure she might not give him back but surprise is on her! He's a giant dick.

A big enough dick, however, that he didn't even whine when she took him away from me. He was just all "See ya whore, I'm going to the Holy Land!" and that was that.

Remember, I'm doing a giveaway today! So technically this is your last chance to enter to win a super shirt that will let everyone know how big a dork you are. Or it might possibly give you super powers.

Hey! Look At Me! I'm Giving Stuff Away!

I bet when you came to this here blog today you were all like "Wow, this looks totally awesome and different" and "Oh my god, did your blog loose weight?" or perhaps "Did your blog change it's hair colour?" and you know what? Screw you, my blog wasn't fat before. It was just a little big boned, that's all. It was baby fat that would eventually melt off and leave a beautiful, delicate, crassy swan in it's place to honk in your face about all the insults you used to secretly hurl at it in pre-swan days.

Despite calling my blog fat, all those questions are technically right. My blog got a make-over because I decided I was important and special enough to have a professionally designed blog and when I stumbled across April Showers Design on Twitter and I was all "Hey, you should totally design me a blog and I'll pay you in asshole family pets!" and when she shiftily came back with "Or cash?" I couldn't fault her for not wanting to have an asshole dog and BAM! I got this lovely blog designed.

And you know what a new blog design makes me want to do? It makes me want to give stuff away. FREE stuff, so that's even better. AmIright?

Thankfully my biggest whore, Erin, over at Blogging Is For Dorks, decided that she was going to be a Julia Roberts whore by being all benevolent and give me a free T-Shirt from her shop Dork Designs so I could give it away once my blog stopped being fat. Or big boned.

So you can have a chance to win this shirt but not the dude and short of not in that colour.



Want to enter to get a free shirt? Here's the rules:

1. Not be a whore.
2. OK, maybe you can possibly be a whore.
3. Be a follower of this here blog.
5. Leave a comment to enter into the draw.
6. Want to win a second entry? Follow me on Twitter at @tristachio
7. Want to win a third entry? Get other people to enter the contest and have them leave a comment below saying who sent them.

The draw for this T-shirt will be on July 8th because I like picking deadlines randomly on the calender. The winner will be selected randomly by a random generator or perhaps sticking tape to my dogs paw and having him step on the entries. Who knows, but either way it will be magical.