Do you remember the time when you were a little girl and you just happened to notice that you were bleeding all over your underoo's and you had to awkwardly ask your mother why the fuck you were dying in your pants only for her to give you a giant, weird talk about the facts of life and how eventually you will end up pregnant and dead on the side of the road because you had sex with a boy and totally forget the lesson she taught you that by the mere fact that you bleed every month it means sex will kill you until you are at least thirty? You don't? Then it's obvious you are lying.
Or the time that you ended up having a super sexy dream and when you woke up your pants and sheets were as stiff as a plank and in a panic you hid your bedsheets in the closet and it was only a matter of time before your mom found them and had to sit you down and explain that it was totally natural and you would do that in your sleep but if you ever did that in a lady you would end up pregnant and dead on the side of the road because you forget the talk she gave you about not squirting into a lady in the middle of the night? You don't? Then it's obvious you are lying.
To save you from embarrassment of having to ask your mom about all the facts of life and anything that has to do with anything because you will most likely end up pregnant and dead on the side of the road, I am here for you.
Ask me, Tristachio, all those questions you would have reserved for your mom but she's sort of kind of a psycho so you need to ask me.
Leave a comment here or on twitter ( @tristachio ) and I will make sure to answer them with a video. All your questions will be answered, you just have to ask. Even if it's a stupid question, stupid.