Online Dating: It's A Mess Out There

The following is a service announcement about what happens when you let your siblings discover funny computer programs that can hideously deform them.

It was only natural that they would make a serious of online dating profiles.

And it was only a given that I'd post it all over the Internet.

Sexy Naked Midget Rides White Stallion. Yeah, It's Totally What You Think

It's Like She Does This Every Day

It's The Pilot's Birthday but I am not going to write about that today because I've got something far more important to share with you and that is a video of my sister dancing around during her labour because it's funny.

This Is About Where You Ask Me If I'm Doing Meth & I Tell You No

Ask Tristachio

Do you remember the time when you were a little girl and you just happened to notice that you were bleeding all over your underoo's and you had to awkwardly ask your mother why the fuck you were dying in your pants only for her to give you a giant, weird talk about the facts of life and how eventually you will end up pregnant and dead on the side of the road because you had sex with a boy and totally forget the lesson she taught you that by the mere fact that you bleed every month it means sex will kill you until you are at least thirty? You don't? Then it's obvious you are lying.

Or the time that you ended up having a super sexy dream and when you woke up your pants and sheets were as stiff as a plank and in a panic you hid your bedsheets in the closet and it was only a matter of time before your mom found them and had to sit you down and explain that it was totally natural and you would do that in your sleep but if you ever did that in a lady you would end up pregnant and dead on the side of the road because you forget the talk she gave you about not squirting into a lady in the middle of the night? You don't? Then it's obvious  you are lying.

To save you from embarrassment of having to ask your mom about all the facts of life and anything that has to do with anything because you will most likely end up pregnant and dead on the side of the road, I am here for you.

Ask me, Tristachio, all those questions you would have reserved for your mom but she's sort of kind of a psycho so you need to ask me.

Leave a comment here or on twitter ( @tristachio ) and I will make sure to answer them with a video. All your questions will be answered, you just have to ask. Even if it's a stupid question, stupid.

An Evening With....Simply Katie

You know who is pretty funny, quirky and maybe a small dash of insane? Simply Katie, that's who!

An Evening With.....Smile Big & Pretty

Introducing the first of many "An Evening With..." where I sit down and have a Skype interview with the bloggers we all know and love and ask them stupidly retarded questions that will either lead to laughter or awkward silences that will ruin both of our blogging careers!

The first person who signed up to do this is Jas over at Smile Big & Pretty who practically jumped on the idea of doing something stupid and that's probably because she's a wonderfully talented person who can't get enough of the camera and in any one's definition that should technically be a camera whore but she's not a whore and I'll punch anyone who says so but I'm totally not going to punch myself for writing this because did I mention that she was awesome? OK, I might punch her for the cup that she owns but that's totally besides the point and I'd just like to say that she isn't a whore. OK? She's awesome and I've got to give her kudos for being the one to break "An Evening With..." cherry and took away it's virginity as if it were a dirty, back alley prom night.

Also, that creepy voice I do? That's actually my normal voice. If I were a sexual predator. Which I'm not. Maybe. Just a little bit.



If after watching this you feel you want to be interviewed and subjected to that creepy sexual predator voice, please email me and let me know.

Also stay tuned next Wednesday when I have An Evening With...Katie from Simply Katie!

A Coyote Sings I Wanna Be Bad

Last month I happened to stumble on something at once extremely stupid yet fantastically awesome because it involved a large group of people potentially embarrassing themselves by singing songs to their computers, recording it and having random strangers post it in the Internet for others to laugh at, or sing along with. Or maybe they'll even punch the computer in a massive roid rage because the person who is singing is ten times better then what they could sing and it just shows that jealousy is a terrible thing and the only cure is punching.

Despite the fact that when I sing male cats probably think it's a female cat in heart  I signed up to do it. Why? Because I'm stupid.

The person I have the chance to host happens to be Coyote Rose over at Dancing On The Bar of Life. It was the first time I have ever stumbled across her blog and I immediately found out that she's a super duper History Buff and blatantly throws that around on twitter and documents it in a hilarious way and the rest of her blog is just pure gold.

Her video is pure gold too. She sings and she dances and it makes me want to flip my desk in a rage because I'm so jealous I want to start punching her in the face. Maybe, kinda of, not really. (I swear I wont punch you in the face Coyote Rose!)

She is also singing Willia Ford "I Wanna Be Bad".




Oh, and the horrendously stupid video I did? That will be posted over at Jes Getting Started and all I can really say is, god help that poor girl when she looks at my video. She'll probably weep and then punch herself in the face not out of jealous but out of the need to make me stop singing.

Mother Nature, I Will Fuck You In The Ass

I woke up this morning to a beautiful day and after two weeks of hot, hot, wonderful weather I decided that "Hey, I'm going to be fucking adventurous today and decide to wear Capri style pants with a tank top and a loose, light hoodie that will be perfect if it gets a bit breezy!" and I patted myself on the back with my awesome future thinking and decided to go to work.

Later that day Mother Nature decided to be a giant fucking VAGINA and decides she's going to shoot a blizzard out of her stupid, earthy vagina and ruin my whole plan of enjoying the sun and dressing to enjoy the sun.

Accent Meme or Point & Laugh At My Voice

Unicorns, Beavers, Bill Cosby & Drunk Tristachio

I'm not a drinker. I don't really drink. I can't really stand the taste of drinking. When I was fifteen I ruined drinking for myself. It involved drinking cheap, disgusting booze in mass quantities only because we had it bootlegged and refused to waste it. We drank in the woods between 7-11 and the Police Station because we were rocket scientists. I got blitzed. I got paranoid that my dad was going to find me. I found my Womb Mate at the arena and she refused to acknowledge that we once lived in the same uterus. And probably knew each in passing as sperms -- we were born that close apart. A ten year old convinced me my name was Mary. I rolled around in the snow, convinced that undercover Lesbians were everywhere so I asked if everyone was a lesbian and when my friend got me to her place, I slept for an hour and woke up perfect.

That's how it goes when I drink the few, rare times. I get easily drunk and sleep it off in minutes. No hangovers.

I've only been drunk in front of The Pilot once. I like telling stories when drunk. So I told him a short five minutes story that he thought was funny and he wanted to record. When he recorded it...this is what he got.

It is a bit on the lengthy side and probably not something you want to listen too at work unless you have headphones on. Or your children. Or grandmother. Or anyone, really.



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