Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Would It Be Weird If I Owned A Monkey While In My Underwear?

Do you remember a time in your life when all you wanted to do was just sit around in a giant vat of gold coins sipping a drink out of a stupidly big cup with a funny spiral straw that is really hard to drink out of and takes a lot of work just to get a sip and all of a sudden you realize that it feels like you pooped  yourself but really it's not poop at all. It's just the gold melting underneath your ass because the person who told you it was an actual vat of gold lied and it was just those foil wrapped chocolate dollars and your drink isn't really a drink but it's a poisoned snake-goat?

I don't actually remember a time in my life like that either but I thought it would be a good ice breaker to write about while I sit at my kitchen table in my underwear and wearily demand that The Pilot make me some type of dinner but he doesn't want to make dinner because he's sitting in the living room in his underwear wondering why we aren't having sex because, duhhhh, underweared people should be having sex because it's like Netwon's Law of Sex --- if you are in underwear you might as well be having sex.

But in reality we aren't going to have sex because it's stupid hot in my apartment and all that crazy wind that is blowing outside is blowing in the opposite direction as a giant "fuck you people in an apartment that is stupid hot. I wont save you from melting. I want you to melt because I'm the wind and I'm a giant asshole." and since it's the wind you can't even punch it so you are stuck sitting in underwear not having sex while your boyfriend doesn't make you dinner.

I almost wish I had a helper monkey that would totally help me in this situation but I heard that helper monkies, while helpful, can get bored of their tasks and all of a sudden decide to attack you. I don't think that would be very fun because you'd be expecting dinner but the monkey has other plans that involve eating your face and how uncool is that? It's pretty dang uncool.

So not only am I out of dinner being made for me, I'm out a god dang monkey that wont even make me dinner because I live in Canada and I'm pretty sure we shoot all monkey's that wander North of the border because it's how we roll up here.

Basically what I am getting around to is wondering if it's creepy that we are both in our underwear and for a good ten minutes we stood at the patio door looking across at the school while our dog decided he was going to scream "Hey, look they are sorta naked and not having sex up here!" at every person that walked by but instead of English it came out like a bark that could have made us look like the local neighborhood perverts when in reality we only wanted some wind that the asshole wind wasn't giving us.

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