Thursday, April 7, 2011

Unicorns: Judgemental Asshole Prudes

There is nothing that causes more pressure then opening blogger to create a new blog post only to stare at the screen for thirty minutes while your brain epically farts all over itself and refuses to come up with something witty or funny enough to actually write down and share with the world so instead you eventually break down and start writing about how you can’t write anything funny.
I can literally feel the pressure of writing something funny crushing me from the ground up because that’s the type of topsy turvy world I live in. Where everything gets crushed from the ground up.
I’d also like to live in a world where Unicorn were real because then I’d be able to ride them all day long and when they totally call me out for not being a virginal virgin  I could punch them in the face and be the very first person to start the Unicorn Horn Underground Black Market where I sell their horns to horny, old men with floppy wieners as an aphrodisiac and the new fantastical replacement for Viagra.
I’d single handedly be the cause of the near extinction of Unicorns because they are assholes and maybe, eventually they will decide that evolution screwed them by giving them mythical hooves instead of mythical fingers with thumbs so they could defend themselves against guns and punches with their own guns and punches. And then they would force grow them with their mind and find guns and then learn how to punch people.
In this world it is almost a given that I’d probably die in an epic gun and punch fight between a pack of rebel Unicorns with fingers and my own army of Black Market Unicorn Poachers who are armed with guns and punches and eventually right before I realize that one of the Unicorns is my son my giant death star blows up their forest and suddenly the Unicorns are being supported by Ewoks and I die in my Unicorn sons mutated hoof-hands after epically saving his life against the evil Emperor who told me to hurt Unicorns in the first place.
And then the Ewoks throw a wicked awesome party that I’m not invited too because I’m fucking dead.


  1. I thought unicorns were beautiful creatures that would never harm anyone. My world is shattered. :(

  2. Wow. This is what you come up with when you're blocked? You might be my new hero.

  3. I think my brain actually exploded when you mentioned the Death Star. By the time you got around to Ewoks. I know it was just a pile of Unicorn poo in my skull. This my just be the best post I have ever read.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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