Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Can You Count The Awesome? It's Over 9000!

 Dear Me,

I know we are extremely awesome and have extremely awesome things to do so I'll try and keep this letter short. I just wanted to write and tell us about our own awesomeness (Yeah, I know, we already know how awesome we are and don't need to be told by our past-self how awesome we are but it still needs to be said how totally awesome we are) but as our past-self I know that we'll look back at this in the future and be all "Wow, that was really awesome of me to write myself in the future like that to tell me just how awesome I am. I am so awesome of thinking of myself like that. Just awesome."

I wanted to write this letter just in case we ever (which, cmon, why would we ever forget this?) how awesome we are. Do you remember that time we joined the Sisterhood and planned on devoting our life to a higher spiritual calling but eventually got bored and decided to smuggle in a dog and a gun just for the hell of it? You don't? We were probably high on cocaine glitter at the time but thankfully we got a picture:
Or the time we decided that we'd grow this wicked awesome beard to show the world that just because this guy is our dad we automatically have the ability to out awesome any beard in a three galactic radius but we eventually shaved it because it began to itch and tickle our nose and guys don't really respond very well when you jump in front of them and ask them "who wants a mustache ride?!" and then make motorboat sounds in the direction of their crotch?
Or the time we decided that we were going to join the Rebel Forces because that douche in a helmet was totally cramping our style and the best way to help with the rebel forces was to run around all hairy and small and make no sense and dance around and sing songs that were totally about how we were eventually going to murder the real Rebel Forces in their sleep and use their skulls as outhouses for our various bodily functions but no one took us seriously because we couldn't speak English and we looked rather cute dancing and hoping around with our sharpened spears?

Or the time we decided that since we were so awesome we should learn how to kick ass and we scissor kicked our way to awesomeness and inspired a lot of people that finally they decided to make a biography film about our achievements but ended up getting jipped out of the final cut because the director decided that if our collective awesomeness was captured on the big screen the awesome of it would melt the eyes of those watching and since they wanted people to actually be able to see the awesome they had someone else star in it?
Or the time we became a model because we're just so ridiculously good looking?

Wow, we lead such an awesome freakin' life don't we? Please don't ever stop being this awesome or else awesome past us will have to create some sort of time travelling device to travel to the future and use our awesome Ka-raw-tay* on future us in punishment of ceasing to be awesome but then the mere fact that our past self travelled to the future to kick the ass of future us is so awesome in itself it'd set us back on the awesome path. Except we'd just be that much more awesome for it.

Stay awesome,
Future Us

*It's how all the cool kids say it

1 comment:

I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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