At my place of work that has been an increasing amount of bear sightings and a lot of people are saying that it's probably because all summer the forest was burning like fire was going out of style and everyone needed it right now because soon the world would be fire less and it's caused the bears and all the other stupid non-bear animals to migrate to our work site.
Me? I think the bears are staging some type of revolution and are casing the joint to find our weaknesses. It's like, the more they prod and hide in garbage cans waiting to play "Peek-a-boo, I'm a fucking bear going to rip your face off but you don't know that because I'm hiding in the garbage and all you want to do is throw away trash. SURPRISE MOTHAFUDDAH!" and then someone gets mauled. Not me, of course. I don't want to be mauled. Because that'd probably suck really hard and I'm trying to avoid having suckage in my life. And by "suckage" I don't mean "less blow jobs" and by "less blow jobs" I don't mean "I have a dick that needs to be blow jobbed less." Because that'd be fucked. Wouldn't it?
No, what this whole bear thing has made me realize that I needed to realize a life long dream of mine and that life long dream is to ride a fucking bear. Just ride it like a horse and probably coax it to maul people of my choosing. Considering the bears are planning a coupe, it might be hard to trick one into letting me ride it.
So naturally I turned to The Pilot to fix this problem of me not being able to ride a bear and I got all excited when he told me that it could totally be arranged and all I had to do was get home from work to find out what it was.
All day I was excited and telling people that "just you wait, I'm going to ride into work on a bear one day and all you people who I may or may not like the look of your face that day will get mauled. And it will be hilarious.".
And then I got home.
And my reality was destroyed.
When I said "I want to ride a fucking bear" The Pilot totally read "I'm totally getting laid tonight." and then my dreams were shattered and I locked myself in the bathroom and haven't come out since. Or just had sex with him. Pick which ending makes you happier. The ending where I cried, or the ending where I got laid.