Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Being The One Not Pushing Out A Baby, I Am So Tired

It's finally happened, the Womb Mate is in labour. For the past twelve hours. And it's extremely tiring on me. Like, I have had to follow her around with a heat pad and continuously fill up her ice water and try and tell her that her heat pad is probably burning off her backside but that it's OK, she's the pregnant one who is pushing a melon out of her cooch so if she wants to burn her backside off, that's OK.

I've never experienced anyone in labour before despite the fact that I may be a Godmother already. Thankfully that baby was born hours away from me and all I got to see was the cute baby after all the goop was wiped off.

This time, however, it's all in front of my eyes and I can't really escape it but you know that part where the baby rips apart my sister? Yeah, luckily, once again I don't have to see any of that and just get to play with the baby when it's all wiped off and clean.

To deal with watching my womb mate go through labour in her own home while crazy boys were running around doing crazy boy things, I found --to my relief -- that she decided to handle her pain like a man and take a type of sense of humour to it.

Luckily, I had the sense of mind to write down all the things she was saying as she downward dogged on the floor, bounced on her ball, and refused to leave her massage chair.

"I'm going to slowly move my head at different angles and look off in the distance as if I am looking at something important when I have my photo's taken after baby is born. Like a model." -- in regards to how she is going to handle being photographed after baby is born.

"You have to quote me word for word, not what you process in your head because you will get it all jumble-fucked." -- in regards to noticing that I started writing down all the stupid things coming out of her mouth while she is in pain.

"I can be funny on the Internet!" -- surprise over the fact she got a few 'likes' on her face book status.

"This song makes me feel tough." -- she exclaims as she puts on Mr.Boombastic by Shaggy.

"This song is for you." -- she declares as she points at me just as Sexual Healing blasts from the computer speakers.

"Feels like an alien is coming out of my twat.", "It is." responds her fiance when asked what her contractions feel like.

"Why does Jesus do this to me?" -- when dealing with more contractions.

" You aren't the one in labour! Let me have all the slaves!" -- when I asked our mother to pull my chicken nuggets out of the oven.

"Bewyoowoowoowoyoo --- that's the sound of a boner going down. I've heard it before." -- in response to a noise on the television.

Mother, "Can everything go in the dryer?", Womb Mate, "Whip it all in....balls deep." -- in response to our mother asking about laundry.

Womb Mate's Fiance, "Where's your mom?", Womb Mate, "Balls deep in the dryer."

Shortly after she fired her fiance as her labour partner, declared that the baby really isn't his but the bell hop at the hotel they got knocked up in and declared that everyone sucks and I am a failure at help because I can't comprehend how hard it is to pee while having a contraction.

I don't know about you, but this bystander position is pretty fun.


  1. I wish my family was as hilariously awesome as this.

  2. "Bewyoowoowoowoyoo" -Hilarious!!!

    She should go into labor more often, she's comedic genious.

  3. Hilarious! I have a feeling this is exactly what my sister will observe (I hope so at least!) when I have a baby. Good call on writing down the random comments she was making :)

  4. I really just wanna be an innocent bystander during my own labor experience. I want to wake up and have it all be over. Even though your sister was in pain, at least a good blog entry was able to result from it.


  5. i am funny, and labor is a bitch...lol... sis come hang out more often, i bet ill have funny mom comments now haha

    love womb mate and ur nephew


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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