Monday, August 29, 2011

Poop. You Will Be Reading About Shit, Pretty Much.

The thing about babies is the fact that they don't have much to do in their life. They can't really walk so that means they can't start pole dancing to work their way through medical school, and they definitely can't do math so they can't count cards in a casino to earn money to pay off your drug and gambling habit before you get your fingers cut off and sent to your wife.They can't even spend their time cavorting with whores down the streets of a darkened alley.

They have a boring life, is what I'm saying here.

What they can do, however, is shit. They pretty much have that mastered. Constipated and can't take a shit yourself? Go watch a baby. They can just power shit and teach you a thing or two. They also shit while they eat. I don't even shit when I eat. That is, if I ever actually pooped because I totally do that and only know friends who do. But not me.

Because my Womb Mate has had to stay in the hospital a bit longer then was excepted and her baby daddy had to make a day long trip she would have been alone in the hospital for the night and I graciously decided that I would stay with her to keep her company and make sure she doesn't break my iPad while she screws up on several Angry Birds level.

It also helped that she had an adorable baby staying with her too.

And during that night, my god did that baby poop.

He just shit. all. the. damn. time.

It was none stop. And the thing about baby poop? It's disgusting. And rancid smelling. I know his first poops aren't supposed to smell but whatever they had that baby on made me want to have someone look into his butt to make sure something wasn't dying in there. Like an unknown twin or something because it was that gross. And did I mention that it wouldn't stop? Because it didn't.

I never, ever wanted to have to see that and the cherry on the poop cake? Womb Mate got shit all over herself too. And later when she was holding baby she couldn't figure out if the speck on her arm was baby poop or a piece of the chocolate bar she had been eating ten minutes earlier.

Now, I'm not sure if you have ever been in that dilemma before -- having to figure out the difference between baby shit and chocolate and I nearly gagged when she decided to go for it and eat it anyways. Even though it turned out to be chocolate and Womb Mate assured me she knew all a long that it was chocolate, it still made me gag.

She also may have burped in her babies face after that, by accident, and scared him awake in the most hilarious way ever.

And she may have told me to "contain that baby" while he was fusing while she was trying to sleep.

And she may have told me not to give her baby shaken baby syndrome while laughing with him on my chest.

She's really taking to this whole Motherhood thing.


  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA omg hahahahahha - making sure a twin wasn't in there or something hahahah

  2. This is a very funny post... I am surprised you didn't get more comments.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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