Wednesday, August 3, 2011

It's Like Her Pregnancy Is Trying To Ruin My Innocence

As some of you may or may not remember I mentioned some time earlier in the blog that my Womb Mate is pregnant with what I am going to assume is a Hell spawn until I'm proven wrong with it being non-Hellspawnish.

She is apparently supposed to give birth to this potential monster this week or, in the next week, or the week after, or maybe just never and she will end up pregnant forever or my earlier assumption that this whole pregnancy was a cover for the fact she's just bloaty.

To say I am somewhat excited about being an Auntie is kind of an understatement because I've bought this child so many gifts in my competition to be it's Favorite! Auntie! Ever! and I just hope this child grows up with cheap tastes because I may or may not have to abandon the competition as soon as it starts asking for Ipods of the future or some shit like that. I may be willing to buy the spawns love but like, dollar store love.

Unfortunately, because my little sister is about to be ripped about by her offspring it's made me look back on the journey of the last nine months and how horrible it has been for me to have a pregnant little Womb Mate whom I am very close with and the trials I've had to go through during this pregnancy.

Like the fact that pregnancy is really a horrible terrible thing that should never happen to anyone, ever, because in the process of giving birth you can rip your vagina straight to your asshole so it becomes some type of super bird like genital where you poop, piss, fuck and give birth all from the same hole and you'd probably never be able to look at your lower half in a mirror ever again because it will make kids on the other side of the world cry in horror?

Or the fact that some chicks can spontaneously grow hair all over their bodies like some type of fucked up circus act that may or may not go away after you've shit out the hairball you've been incubating for the last nine months?

Or that babies can piss all over themselves while floating in that womb so basically they are giving themselves golden showers every. damn. day. while you helplessly go about your day not knowing any better.

Or that mucus plug? That horrible, gross, disgusting, terrible thing that almost ruined my relationship because I googled it when the Womb Mate told me it almost made her throw up when she googled it and it made me realize that The Pilot and I might potentially have kids in the future and that thing will be in me? My god! It's so gross!

I wouldn't have known any of these things if my Womb Mate never got pregnant and my life would have continued to be ignorant and pain free and I wouldn't have had to go through all these hardships throughout the nine months of her pregnancy and just thinking of it makes me tired and scared and maybe my feet are a little bit swollen too, come to think of it.


  1. Yikes! That sounds creepy, stories like that really don't make it appealing for women without babies to look forward to the experience of getting knocked up.

  2. This post is just one reason why you are awesome. I would love to do a dramatic reading of it, if you don't mind.

  3. @Jas you can dramatically read the shit out of this post.

  4. Lol. You really make me wanna pop out some "Sex Trophies" as one of my friends calls them.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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