Sunday, August 14, 2011

Baby Watch 2011 Is Just As Boring As It Sounds

I am sitting in my little sisters living room right now watching trashy television while my mother putters around behind me in the kitchen making pretty much what I am convinced is the most disgusting alien eggs ever to be made in a dinner and instead of eating it at dinner time, they hatch and hump your face while force impregnating you. Or, as she calls them "Cabbage Rolls".

The pregnant one is no where in sight and I am hoping that means she's locked herself in a closet or a hole in the ground to push out that baby and as long as she's doing it over a blanket or a garbage bag so she can easily clean up that horrible mess that will leak out of her and burn it out back before it lures a poltergeist into the house. Or, as my mother says "She went to go get her step-sons so they can visit for the week".

It's almost like my mother is a giant buzz kill who has made it her job to sit around and just ruin my rich, fantasy life with the cold hard facts of reality and those cold hard facts of reality is the fact that life is pretty boring right now and I am not, in fact, running around with laser eyes saving the world from rogue Scientist Dinosaurs who want to force impregnate us with dinosaur mutants.

And, honestly, I don't think I want to live in a world that doesn't include me having laser eyes so I think I might go stand in front of the microwave as I heat up a laser pen while hoping the ensuing fire and explosion will give me laser powers.

This whole post may or may not have had a point of telling you that the baby hasn't been born yet but I suddenly lost track thinking of how awesome laser eyes would be.

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I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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