Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Spirit Of The Buffalo Is Sorta A Dick

Remember the Tilt-a-Whirl? Yes? Everyone loves the Tilt-a-Whirl, right? I say fuck it. Right now I'm sitting in my house clinging to my kitchen table because the world keeps spinning right round baby, right round round and even though I want to spill my guts up all over the place and maybe hit the dog in the face with it, I can't get that stupid song out of my head and it was funny the first time  I mentally sang it but now it's pissing me off and I need help.

The room is all spinny-doo and I can't make it stop and when I told The Pilot last night that he's got to take care of me because if I throw up all I do is hysterically cry and project like Linda Blair and that it was his job to pretend to be my mom by cleaning it up and being my life long slave until I stop vomiting. His solution was promptly giving me a mop bucket to vomit it and huddle himself in the corner of the bed and pretend I wasn't there.

And as I was lying there, it suddenly hit me as to why I was feeling so sick and gross and you know what I found out? The Spirit of the Buffalo is sort of a dick. A giant dick.

I know they were hunted close to extinction once by Settlers and possibly my ancestors and yeah, I know, that was totally an asshole move but they couldn't help it that Buffalo were tasty back then. So, as I see it, I shouldn't be punished when I get to eat a Buffalo burger at work the other day because we were celebrating some type of national day and they were handing out Buffalo meat filled things like they were going out of style. And I love meat -- even more so meat that was once close to being extinction.

It was a delicious burger and I bragged all about how I was going to single handed bring back the extinction of Buffalo because they were so god damn tasty and the Buffalo Spirit is all "Bitch, pleaaassseee!" and gave me food poisoning.

Asshole Spirit. If you weren't a spirit I'd eat you too.

So now I am stuck at home feeling like crap with a boyfriend who is on Vomit-Alert-Five and is prepared to jump off the balcony to avoid vomit clean up and a dog who thinks it's totally awesome super fun to spin around in circles in front of me at high speed as if he is laughing at me and showing off his superior spin skills.

He's probably friends with that asshole buffalo.

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