Thursday, June 9, 2011

How Can I Not Feel Accomplished About This?

Checking out the keywords that were searched into Google to find your blog is kind of like checking out the wreckage of a car accident. Or train collision. Or watching an episode of Jersey Shore. It's something you just can't not turn away from and have to watch in vivid detail as people die around you.

The keywords used to google my blog, though? They are sort of like if I was standing in line to get into the change rooms of a crowded public pool and a dirty old man in a speedo walks up to me and lovingly strokes my lips while his tongue quivered as he licked his lips and whispered "You've got a pretty mouth." and then walked away after honking the tit of the person next to you.

Need evidence? Of course you do. Of the keywords. Not the creepy old speedo guy touching lips. I'm still trying to block that mental image.

1." Bill Cosby Drunk" because it's only natural to want to know what Bill Cosby is like when he's drunk so I can only imagine the disappointment that followed when they realized it was just a video of me drunk and talking about how Bill Cosby fucked everything up by wearing a sweat.

2. "Grandpa Whore Makes Grandma Film" this one? Yeah, this one I can't even explain. I googled it myself just to see how it would be connected to my blog and you know what I found? Hundreds and hundreds of pages of old person porn. I could literally feel my ovaries mutating as I kept clicking through the search pages to find my blog and only to give up and figure just because I said my grandma would be killed for being old and using the world whore in the post I was subjected to the fact that grandpa is a whore who makes naughty films of grandma.

3. "Can I Fuck You Mom In Ass?" No, no you can't. Because she's dead. Or alive. I'm not really sure which category she falls into but you can't fuck her in ass, Borat.

4." Sounds Of Shit Dropping In Toilet" because this one perfectly sums up everything about my blog. It's the sound of shit hitting the water in a toilet. An empty toilet, might I add, because it's more of a dull plunk then the soothing sounds of a poop splash.

5. "Judgemental Asshole" Uh, duuuuhhhh. That's why I have a blog. So I can be Judgemental. And an asshole. I need an asshole to poop into a toilet, of course.


  1. Lol - I know what you mean. Some things that have been used to find my blog:
    "arabic sex tube" (No idea how this one got there and I am soooo not googling it)
    "how do i make up with her after sexual harassing her" (Ummm the answer is - you don't!)
    "in spain they inject placenta to keep young" (Is this true? I'm not sure - I so wouldn't try it, in Spain or elsewhere)
    "nigerian traditional methods of making your bum bigger" (This is just like the sex tube)
    You see? Man, I don't even know how half of these trace back.

  2. Wow. I'm kind of jealous now - people mostly find my blog by Googling things I've mocked. Apparently I'm the #6 result on Google for "Moulin Rouge doona covers"... I really hope that person realised that they'd look like an epic douche canoe with that on their bed...

  3. ...I'm jealous too. I want nifty search words.

  4. Usually I get a laugh out of the search terms used to find my blog, but lately they've been very specifically spot on as to what I blog about. BORING!

  5. Eeewww, old people porn.
    Wait, that's not what I was going to type. Sorry, it's stuck in my head now and I'll probably Google t because I'm sick like that.
    ANYWAY...I don't have anything to compare with this awesomeness. All I have is "farted on my lap". I guess I post about farts a lot.

  6. Gahahahaha I love checking our the google keywords too. but yours are awesome...

    its funny what people type in google search engines... and sometimes you dont even wanna find out whats their point.

  7. Of course now anytime anyone searches any of the these phrases they'll get sent here because now you've reinforced that this is what your blog is about for google.

    Obviously you need to start writing more about bill cosby, drunk.

  8. You googled "drunk" and "bill" AND "cosby?"


  9. all my google searches are boring. Mostly related to the title of my blog. I'm reaching my target audience I guess...


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

Blog Design byApril Showers