Monday, May 30, 2011

Hey Carpet Stain, Remember That Time When You Almost Ruined My Relationship? Screw you.

Dear Carpet Stain,

Hey, do you happen to remember me at all? We met last night after I made a giant, delicious Spaghetti meal for my boyfriend and I after fantasizing all day about how delicious you will taste only to have said delicious dinner on my plate but right before I could sit down it slid all onto the floor and birthed you?

You do remember that? How you were born out of my misery and all I could do was stand there in shock and the first thing out of The Pilots' mouth was "I'm not cleaning that up!" and then he decided he was going to eat his own heaping dinner while I had to clean up your disgusting face and then all of a sudden once I was done you left this giant stain on the carpet that we couldn't get out because we have no carpet cleaner at this moment and only once I was done and The Pilot was done eating his own whole plate he offered me his what was left of the stuff he didn't want to eat so I could have dinner.

And how after two days of being in a vehicle and sleeping in shitty motel beds seeing you on the floor all stainy and disgusting and being offered scraps after the fact I burst into tears and had a mental breakdown on the floor scrubbing you as if I were Cinderella and I was just told that I was a whore and couldn't go to the ball because my Fairy Godmother was a skank and was more interested in dick then making me a beautiful dress.

Or how The Pilot just stood there shocked for a bit because this has only been the second time he has seen me cry and the first time was over a terrible health scare with a family member but here I was crying over spilt Spaghetti because you, Carpet Stain, are a giant dick that I can't get out until we buy carpet cleaner (which, might I add, we forgot when we just went freakin' grocery shopping a half hour ago so you get to sit there and be smug and taunt me for another day).

But then I suddenly remembered, Carpet Stain, that while we were gone I had left the DVR on and that it had recorded all of those deliciously terrible TLC shows and tonight -- Tonight Dear Carpet Stain -- just happened to be the premiere of My Big Fat Gyspy Wedding and it was basically about sluts with morals and giant dresses so I had nothing to be sad about and I suddenly did an about face from crying to happy because suddenly the world seemed so much better because I could watch crappy television and this change happened so fast that The Pilot was left baffled and in his confusion he decided that he was going to go to Subway and pick me up a sandwich.

So, really, all I wanted to say is "fuck you" because you are a dick and I hate you,



  1. Carpet stains are the WORST. Sauce and wine = awful, hands on your knees scrubbing. Unless you buy some OxyClean and let those weird, mystery chemicals fix your carpet.

    What is IN that stuff anyway?

  2. Thank God for the DVR. Take that, douche bag carpet stain.

  3. Did he get you a meatball sub?

  4. So funny, by the way I am totally into bad reality tv shows its an instant pick me up, no matter how fucked up things may be those trainwrecks make me seem sane and accomplished!

  5. hahahha love the ode to the carpet stain! very funny. and i also got sucked into the gypsy freaks show the other night!! i seriously could not figure out what the hell was going on...wearing big dresses but living in places without was the weirdest shiz ever but i couldn't stop watching haha


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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