Monday, May 21, 2012

What's Relaxing At The Spa? Horse Sex, Obviously.

This past weekend I just so happened to have to make an unplanned trip to my parents place, which just happens to be about eleven hours of being stuck in a vehicle with the spawn of Satan (The dog, of course, and not The Pilot (( even though he did call me 'Piss Lips' this weekend over something trivial. Yes, Piss Lips. Think about it for a second. Ah -- there you go, you got it.)) ) and it was a woozy.

You know what made the trip though? Seeing an advertisement for this Spa that totally made me almost make The Pilot swerve off the road and kill us because it was so fucking insane. I've tried Googling the image of their billboard but I couldn't find it so you'll have to excuse my weak attempt at describing it's awesome horribleness.

Picture a naked lady who has her nakedness covered by what appears to be cloves of garlic laying down in a field of a ranch looking as if she is going to be ready to sleep. And then, behind that naked lady covered in garlic cloves, is a horse that totally looks like it's about to run her the fuck over or have sex with her. Because she's a naked lady covered in cloves of garlic.

Naturally when I saw this I was like "Fuck, why is that horse about to run over that naked chick covered in garlic?" and The Pilot just casually said, "Because it's relaxing, I guess."

And I could only shake my head and exclaim, "But. She's. Naked. And. Covered. In. Garlic." and he responded with "Either way she's naked and about to be run over by a horse. I guess it's confusing and slightly erotic." and then our trip basically became silent for a full hour because that's a hard sentence to fucking process.

And that's how I came to the conclusion that I'd probably never be allowed to go to that Spa because the moment they come at me while I'm naked with a horse or garlic I'd start karate chopping fucking throats.


  1. Apparently you don't find horse sex/trampling as relaxing as the rest of us do.

  2. You just made garlic sexier for me. Thank you for that.

  3. I gotta say, a horse dick was NOT the happy ending I had in mind.


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