Because television is awesome and something you should obey without question, it has come to my attention that Vaseline, I guess, has come up with this NEW! GREAT! IDEA! for mens' Vaseline that makes me wonder what exactly Vaseline is doing with it's time and can I join it's THINK TANK because it'd be the best. job. ever!
It seems that they are claiming their new brand of Vaseline is non-greasy and dries in 15 seconds. Non-greasy? Dries in fifteen seconds? Do you know what this means? Do you have any idea what this fucking means people?
Vaseline, obviously, wants to start a new penis themed Olympics that is all about Speed Whacking and if you can whack off before the fifteen seconds YOU WIN! Yay!
Can you imagine it? Twenty men from around the world gathering in one room, in one line, in the semi-dark, furiously whacking off in the hopes of making it to the sticky finish before the Vaseline dries and it the friction burn sets in. First one to explode all over his opponents wins the grand prize of being the fastest whacker in the west. Or that room.
And then the winner goes on a Speed Whacking North American Tour where he's forced to whack off in front of crowds of men and woman and maybe children, I'm not sure what Vaseline is into, and attempts to beat his record over and over again in various malls until next year when he's faced with his competitors who want to jerk off faster than him in front of him and others.
Or, Vaseline just hates masturbation. Is all I'm saying.