Monday, January 16, 2012

Ring, Ring, Ring! Fuck You Phone!

Considering that I've only been engaged for a few days, I got to tell you -- it already feels like forever. When we got home from that flight where The Pilot didn't kill us, he promptly decided that the best thing to do Post-Engagement was have a nap. That nap was totally interrupted by his phone ringing off the hook because people saw things posted on Face book and his parents and my parents had spent the afternoon phoning up everyone in Canada to tell them the great news.

This phone ringing? That wouldn't stop? It totally made The Pilot start having a hissy fit as he was curled up in a ball on the bed, rocking back and forth while whispering "Make it stop, please make it stop." and all I could do was cackle because I found it funny because nap times are precious to him. And I'm an asshole who can't let him nap.

It's sort of like when you see an innocent child sleeping undisturbed and you're over whelmed with the greatest urge to just shake it awake because if you can't be content and restful, they so fucking can't. That's what it's like when The Pilot naps.

The phone ringing didn't stop for hours and days and it got to the point we both wanted to turn off our phones and ignore the world but we couldn't because everyone wanted to know if we had a date set, and what we were going to do for the wedding, and oh my fucking god, have you set a date yet?

And then we did it.

Just joking! We couldn't do it because the phones they just kept ringing.

But we did make a lot of fucking toast.

We got a toaster, you see, and it was the first time we got to taste delicious bread on a constant basis in two years.

We had sex with that toaster.

Not kidding.

We totally fucked it good.


  1. I really hope the toaster commits to you. The last time I hooked up with one it completely burned me.

  2. The last time I fucked a toaster I burned my labia.

  3. The Toaster jokes, they are precious.

  4. I really hope you unplugged the toaster.

  5. How did you eat bagels without the toaster? I NEED my bagels to be toasted.

  6. I HATE talking on the phone so passionately. I remember when my grandmother passed away and everyone just wanted to just call and sympathize. OMG. STOP CALLING.

    I'm only slightly kidding.

    Congrats on your toaster! Hope you used protection.

  7. Wow. Just linked over to you from 20SB. Thank Baby Jesus I did. Totally made me laugh on a shitty day.

    I'm following now.

    Being engaged sucks balls. ALL THE FUCKING QUESTIONS DON'T STOP. Get it over with. Being married is much more fun.

    1. AGREED. Being engaged, planning a wedding, and dancing around trying to avoid being called "Bridezilla" all suck balls.

      Monkey balls. Hairy, sweaty monkey balls.

  8. My friends and family get upset with me a lot because I DO turn off my phone. Once I get home from work and my daughter is home, I just shut it off. Nothing will happen that is so important it can't wait until the next day. I hate the sound of a ringing phone.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

Blog Design byApril Showers