Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Does This Mean I Qualify For Sponge Baths Now?

Tomorrow I happen to turn twenty-fucking-four and it's made me realize that I'm getting old and it wont be long now until I am thrown into an old folks home by uncaring children because I'm assuming at that point I'll be a horrible old lady no one wants to hang out with. But that nursing home? Yeah, totally the cheapest thing the uncaring children could find because they don't want their inheritance drained by such trivial things as "preventing bed sores" and "having paid staff be nice to the gross old people".

Oh, wait, I apologize. That's my plan for my parents.

Turning twenty-fucking-four as defiantly made me give a cold hard look at my life so far because it will be a year until I am twenty-five and what have I accomplished? An unfinished degree, starting a new degree, I haven't bought my own private island and I wasn't appointed the new Supreme Ruler of North Korea. All I can say is Kim Jong Il made promises he couldn't keep. The dick mouth.

Before I wasn't so concerned with my accomplishments because I could laugh it off due to the fact that I was young-ish and do you know what people expect of young people? Absolutely fucking nothing, and it's great!

Now it's just like "Oh she's getting so old and she hasn't even conquered a third world country yet. I bet her parents are so ashamed because I would be." and all I can really say is fuck you people who are disappointed on me not conquering a third world country yet, it's really hard OK? I didn't know there was laws about Human Rights and not enslaving people to make giant statues of dicks and cats. I didn't know.

The Pilot, however, seems to see a great positive in the fact that I'm getting older on my birthday and why I just can't turn twenty-awesome-three twice.

"But honey," he says, "the older you get the less I look like a creepy old man who's sleeping with you!" because we've got an age difference, you see, and he just turned thirty-fucking-old last September. It's good to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, though.

He also told me that a new mexican restaurant opened in town and right before I got super excited and was going to suggest going there for my birthday he so cruelly cut in and said, "I've got standards woman, I don't take no one to a Mexican food joint on their birthday. I'm more of a KFC man."

So, at least I've got that going for me.


  1. Get back to me when you are no longer in your mid 20s but your late 20s and then we can talk about having nothing accomplished in your life.

  2. Lol, I couldn't help but laugh at the KFC Man part. Also, 24 is old? Bloody hell, turning 27 in 10 days must make me a frikken dinosaur!

  3. By the way, I cried so hard on my 24th birthday about the the whole "Oh she's getting so old and she hasn't even conquered a third world country yet. I bet her parents are so ashamed because I would be" thing, and then I hate myself for crying about it. Good cycle. Very healthy.

    Anyway, I totally get it. There's also a huge difference between 25 and 27-28. That's when people start caring about the contents of your uterus. I'm cherishing 25 accordingly.

    1. Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (Forgot to add that. Also, I'm here from 20SB).

  4. You're still not even old enough to rent a car in Illinois! (You have to be over 25!)

  5. You can be like me and just stay 23 until you are obviously not 23 anymore.

    Let's do it!


  6. Well happy birthday! My goal in life is to turn 22 and stay 22 forever. Why? Well because 22 is still young but not fresh like 21 and see my thing i by 25 I need to be part of the real world and get starting on life that is like THE AGE where all shit goes down, so I never really want to get there.

    Enjoy 24! And when you buy that island, may I come visit?

  7. Happy 3rd anniversary of your 21st birthday!

  8. @Everyone: Thanks for the Birthday Wishes! Luckily since we both worked late tonight The Pilot has decided that ALL DAY Friday happens to be a day dedicated to me! SCORE FOR THAT!


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