Because I've got a morbid curiosity over my blogging readership or that I may or may not have anything else to write today, I'm completely fascinated over those delicious Google Keywords that are used to find my blog. I've covered this before because, honestly, wouldn't you want to know if people were finding your blog with terms such as "Sperm Faces" or "Bill Cosby Drunk"? It these types of searches to my blog that sometimes makes me reconsider what, exactly, my blog is all about because these search words make it seem like my blog should be illegal and anyone who reads it should automatically gain eyeball cancer. In their eyes. Because that's what eyeball cancer does to you. Eye cancer. Look it up.
So, I was sort of surprised when I looked at it today and instead of seeing "Magic Puppy Sprinkles" or "Baby Kitten Angels" I found "Over 9000 penises" and I was like, "Holy shit, that's a lot of dinks." and then I started giggling because could you imagine how big of a room that it'd have to be to hold 9000 dinks in it? That's a big room. Full of floating, bally, dicks. Naturally, after reading that, I had to google search for myself and see what post brought that up because I don't remember righting about that much dinks before.
And the post it ended up being from was where I took stupid pictures of myself and wrote a letter to myself from the future explain how awesome I am and I may or may not have mentioned penis length in it, I think, but I doubt it, it's probably the side part of my blog where it promises to increase the length of your penis and somehow that makes 9000 PENISES! Because that's Internet logic, right there.
Right under the penis stuff happened to be this gem of "What do meth stains look like on a carpet" and are you kidding me? Of course I had to google that one because now I'm curious about what meth stains look like on a carpet because, you know, I'd like to be able to walk into someones house and properly diagnose that strange stain on their carpet. Like, is it wine? Juice? or Meth? And I wan't to proudly point out that it's from their failed meth lab and that they can't question me because I'm a google expert on what Meth Stains look like on a carpet. Interested in what a Meth Stain on a carpet looks like?
Yeah, it looks like Poo. Who knew? Once again I looked up what it was about my blog that would lead a concerned carpet cleaner over yonder and wouldn't you know it? Just about every thing I ever wrote could be linked to meth and carpet stains because that's all that showed up in the google search. My blog posts. One of which was actually about a carpet stain.
I can't help but feel like I learned something about my readers today and that thing that I learned isn't some happy morale lesson that will make me a better person. No, what I learned is that my readers are all about the 9000 penis and secretly run meth labs in their carpeted basement and this knowledge? Yeah, it's pretty cool but it also makes me want to have a shower.
Or find 9000 penises.