Monday, October 3, 2011

Because When Eat Soup, You Automatically Have To Shit

I’m not sure about you but I’m pretty sure boys are one of the most disgusting things on this planet. Like, anything that doesn’t daintily sit down to urinate just screams DIRTY! DIRTY PENIS THING! And, honestly, I’m pretty sure there isn’t anything dirtier than a penis. Like, have you ever looked at a penis before? It’s hideous. At least vagina’s have the decency not to flop out there for the world to see if you happen to be wearing no underwear and those sport shorts. Not to mention uncircumcised wieners. Those make me sob. If I was ever faced with one up close, I’d have a nervous breakdown.
Now, I bet you are all wondering “What the hell is with all this penis talk? Like, I come on this blog for friendly advice on how to de-cancer my baby kitten angel and she’s talking about the horror of uncircumcised dinks? I WANT MY MONEY BACK!”
SURPRISE! You can’t have your money back because this talk about dinks? Yeah, it’s totally segwaying into the fact that someone in my household who has a penis and isn’t a dog totally decided that it was now OK for the people of the world to eat their lunch while sitting on the toilet taking a big old dump. Because, what makes your soup taste more delicious and flavourful? Why, sitting on the toilet taking a crap!
Needless to say I was horrified when I burst into the bathroom with some type of bathroom area emergency and since we only have one bathroom in our apartment it’s pretty much a given I will burst into the bathroom for any given reason to do whatever. Or maybe it’s that sometimes he hides in the bathroom to get away from me and I just have to burst in and find him because I am the champion of hind-n-go seek. It’s pretty much even more of a given that the dog will kick at the door until it opens up so he can, GASP!, realize that you aren’t in fact dead and he will be alone for ever, and ever but you are just going potty and you know what? It totally wasn’t worth kicking the door open so he wanders off to eat balloons. No joke. Balloons.
So imagine my surprise when I burst in and he’s sitting on the toilet taking a dump, reading a magazine and so casually sipping the soup that he so conveniently had in a cup. Imagine his surprise when I started going “Ew, who the hell eats when taking a dump? ARE YOU EATING WHILE GOING THE BATHROOM? PEOPLE DON’T DO THAT! ARE YOU AN ANIMAL? ARE YOU A FUCKING HORSE? THEY EAT AND POOP AT THE SAME TIME BUT THEY ARE HORSES! THEY HAVE AN EXCUSE!” and I’m pretty sure I yelled that loud enough for anyone in the hallway to hear or maybe or neighbours but it’s OK, I’ve screamed out a lot worse stuff and it totally explains why they don’t make eye contact with us in the hallway.
After my scream fest The Pilot casually said, while sipping his soup and reading his magazine, “Let me be a man. Men do this stuff. If I want to save time and eat and use the toilet at the same time I have that right because I AM A MAN!”
“No, you’re a fucking horse.” And then I took his soup and his magazine to teach him a lesson in that he’s being gross and he couldn’t chase me because he was on the toilet.
So, tell me, pooping while eating? Gross? Yes?


  1. What? This is just a prime example about how men are fully capable of multi-tasking. After all, the Pilot was pooping, reading a magazine, and eating his soup all at the same time.

    That man should be given an award for his creativity!

  2. Oh my goodness.

    You have me convinced. Men should not be allowed to have coital experiences UNTIL they stop being bacteria infections.

  3. Disgusting - what if the poop particles get into the food? ::vomits::

  4. I love that you took the soup away from him.

    However... I have a confession to make. I, too, have been known to eat a snack or two while dropping a deuce.


  5. hahahhahahahahahah wow wow wow lol

  6. The only thing I could think of as I was reading this was the episode of Futurama where Bender becomes human and discovers eating and going to the bathroom and is all like, "I bet I can eat nachos AND go to to the bathroom!"

  7. I admit it's disgusting but I wouldn't have thought that if you hadn't pointed it out.
    This story reminds me of a shit stain in my undies as a boy. The pseudo-dad pointed out I should be more hygienic.
    I shrugged. He replied, "Well I'll just save these and the next time your friends are over I'll show them off for you. . ." Point taken, paperwork has been emasculate ever since.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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