Monday, September 19, 2011

My Relationship Is Better Than Yours. Ever.

Over the weekend the worst thing that could ever have happened and when I say the worst thing? I totally mean that it’s more worse than a whole tribe of Orphan babies catching cancer and you know what would make it even more worse? Those Orphan babies have baby kitties that got thrown in a bag and drowned in the river. Oh, and they also had cancer. Drowning cancer.
The thing that is worse than all that? My internet and television didn’t work all weekend and I was actually forced to interact with The Pilot. Like, we had to rely on our imaginations for entertainment and I know what is in my imagination and it isn’t something you should use as an entertainment based activity because SUPRISE! Everyone gets cancer and then you’d end up in jail. Or kidnapped by a Polar Bear.
Like, instead of watching movies together we had to lovingly stare into each other’s eyes and express our love for each other. Gross.
And, instead of watching all the items on my DVR I actually had to have a conversation with him about our hopes and dreams for the future. Blech.
Rather than cruise around on the internet and play games or taunt random strangers, we had to take romantic dog walks with the dog and act like a super happy awesome romantic couple.
Maybe instead of social networking, we had to make a delicious dinner together and talk about how we are the most kickass people in the world and everyone else? Yeah, they totally blow goats. Because they are gross.
Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out like that instead of how it actually turned out? The Pilot was sick because this man has still decided it would be a good idea to bring illness into my house so while he was quarantined in the other room I had to like read, a book, a real book. And since he was sick I couldn’t really go into the bedroom because each time I did I couldn’t resist the urge to scare him awake or smother him with a pillow before I catch whatever it was he had.
And when he proclaimed smothering your boyfriend isn’t a healthy form of “relationship bonding” I started spanking him until he shut up with his psycho babble and made me some lunch. A bonding lunch that I didn’t have to make for myself.
Because that’s how relationship bonding goes. He makes me a sandwich.


  1. Oh my goodness gracious.

    YOU ARE HILARIOUS. Zombie wasn't lying.

    When I have a boyfriend, I'm going to force him to fold my undies into triangles for me because men are built for menial chores like that.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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