Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Because I Just Can't Shut Up Before Bed

The Pilot: OK, it's bed time. That means you put your head on your pillow, shut your mouth, and be silent. No more noise, no more questions, no more conversation. Bed. Time.

Me: But all I'm saying is that if I paid for a penis transplant, I'm sure as hell going to show it to everyone that I can. I'm not just going to tuck it in and forgot about it like a vagina! I already have one of those.

The Pilot: Silence, it's sleep time!

Me: Oh c'mon, I just want to talk about my hypothetical, mythical penis transplant.

The Pilot: No, seriously, it's bed time. I'm going to sleep. I'm not talking to you anymore.

Me: But...have you brushed your teeth yet?

The Pilot: Yes.

Me: Your penis?

The Pilot: I will brush your vagina if you don't stop talking to me like that and go to sleep.

Me: Stop being such a prosititute.

The Pilot: You're a messed up chimp and I hate chimps. Good night.

(Ten Minutes Later)

Me: Psssst, did you just call me "a messed up chimp"?

The Pilot: Yes.

(Ten Minutes Later)

Me: Pssst, why can't I be a well-adjusted, socially responsible chimp? Why do I have to be a messed up chimp from a dysfunctional family. Why do my parents need to be alcoholic drug addicts?

The Pilot: Seriously?

Me: I want to go to Chimp University and have a bright future! I want to be a socially responsible chimp, you know.

The Pilot: I'm sleeping on the couch.


  1. That's the kind of nonsense I like to go on about before falling asleep. Last night my husband wouldn't listen to my hypothetical questions about if we were to meet right now on a blind date, would we even like each other (maybe)? Which was followed by what we would make each other for a dinner date (3 courses of sausage dishes apparently - it would be called Sausage Fest 2011)...it got way more ridiculous than that. Then he started snoring.

  2. ...oh pillow talk. I love random pillow talk.

  3. This just made my Wednesday morning a little more hilarious.

    And hey man, even messed up chimps deserve a shot at college! They get to write the better entrance essays anyway, stories about alcoholic drug addict chimp parents are gold for that kind of thing. You could be a messed up chimp that overcame adversity!

  4. I'm just posting this for the candy hand job ... got nothing to say; especially to a messed up chimp ;)


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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