Smell My Finger. No, Really, Smell It.

Sometimes, when I'm out in public, and I see people sniffing apples or sampling perfume I wonder if they are actually doing this an excuse to sniff their fingers and make sure it doesn't smell like Vagina or Dick.

Scratching dick leaves a stink on your fingers, right?

Because if not, I'm calling BULLSHIT because why are guys allowed to run around touching their penis and no one can tell because their fingers don't stink.

Why can't girls have that type of diddle secrecy.

A New Year, A New Dedication

You know what? It's a New Year and everyone is like "Oh, Let's make resolutions about things that will improve my life and give me money and happiness and make my less fat!" and I was totally all, Wow, that is a smart thing to do, I'm going to do that too!

But then I realized, fuck, that takes work. Like, so much work.

And then I watched Netflix for the hundredth time.

Then it dawned on me that I can totally make my Blog my resolution.

I'm going back to my regular posting schedule come hell or high water or multiple posts of internet cats.

But, you all want the Internet Cats, don't you?

Don't you?

By The Grace Of Kirk Cameron, Amen.

This morning at a crazy stupid time in the world when I was sleeping and drooling over my pillow and inventing an awesome fucking party that had me make a chocolate fountain that turned out so boss, my phone went off with a DING! DING! DING! DING! Wake the fuck up! And  I sort of woke up enough to glance at my phone and realize that it was just a tweet and tossed my phone down and went back to sleep.

Then an hour later when my bladder threatened to piss all over the bed, I checked my phone again to see who would be tweeting me at stupid o' clock in the morning. The tweet was from Kristine declaring that something amazing had happened and I'd finally fucked my way to the top and made it into The League of Funny Bitches. And then I shit myself. Kidding, I only farted a little. And then I dived at The Pilot screeching that I was "One Funny Bitch!" and after his panic attack he sort of muttered something along the lines "One of those words are true." and rolled back over to protect himself from early morning Fiance onslaught.

Naturally I strutted around the apartment and all around town because, c'mon, I'm now fucking internet famous and that makes me better than .0001% of the world that isn't on the internet. So, basically, I'm more famous that Ethiopia.

Sense of entitlement? Yeah, it's never coming back down to "poor college Film student" level ever, ever again. But then again, in two weeks this fame may get to my head and I'll end up drunk in a gutter screaming about my internet famez.

In light of this "I'm now better than you" pillar I'm on, it totally justifies the fact that I just bought a new Macbook Pro despite the fact that I should be saving up for my move and school expenses.

But, I'm a Funny Bitch and I can do what I want.

Time Goes By Too Fast

I think it's beginning to dawn on me that in a month and a half I'm going to be making a drastic change in my life and that maybe this change is something I've got to face head on because the buffer of days is dwindling.

I'm going to be quitting my job in a month and a half that has enabled me a steady, somewhat comfortable life while still being able to afford paying for school.

I'll be going to school full-time in April and only working part-time. I gave up a possible steady career of teaching Elementary school just when I was thisclose to having my degree to, instead, get a degree in Film where any job would be cool but it could be a hundred times more risky.

I'm going to be moving to a whole new city and have to start over again by looking for a place to live, and work, and carve out a security niche that will enable me to achieve everything I want to do.

It will be hard. Maybe only some of it will be easy, but in the end it is going to be worth it.

By moving I will be closer to my family, The Pilot will be closer to his family.

We will be happier.

I think the happiness we will gain by far outweighs any obstacles or trials we may face in 2012.

Because in the end, we all just want to be happy.

Did A Bear Just Donkey Punch Your Balls? Yeah, It's Called Life.

Sometimes life is like being on a comfortable inflatable pool floaty thing (You know those noodle things right? That when you were little and stupid you used it as a fake penis to bash into the faces of the other kids who stupidly used it as a floatation device and not a surrogate penis? Yeah, I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about the floaty pool thing that you lay on.) while floating down a gentle river creek that leads you into a lovable forest full of deliciously cute critters that want to bring you cocktails and nudey magazines and once you are all comfortable and relaxed it's all SURPRISE! That little creek you were floating on and drinking cocktails on and enjoying those nudey magazines? Yeah, those animals totally made you those cocktails using stagnant lake water that contains beaver fever because they hate you and want you to die.

But sometimes life is like white water rafting where they stick you in a boat and a life jacket and advice you that screaming at the top of your lungs while barrelling down a dangerous river full of rocks and hard pointy things that can cut out your eye wont do anything to prevent your eye from being cut out. And you know what? You hit one of those rocks and it flips your boat and everyone who you love that was on that boat drowned and died because a rock cut out their eyeball. And when you managed to avoid drowning and crawl to land to start the grieving process, SURPRISE! That's a fucking bear. And it just donkey punched your balls because it's a bear and it doesn't give a fuck.

What I'm really trying to say here is that animals are assholes and probably should all be eaten. And what? No! I didn't write this blog about eating and killing all the animals in the world because my dog happened to jump on the table last night and eat my dessert while I happened to take a bathroom break. And no, I didn't come close to skinning him alive but he ran under the bed where my little T-Rex arms can't reach him so he never got punished for what he did.

All I am saying is that life sucks sometimes and animals need to be destroyed before they destroy us. Is all.

That, or I want another piece of pie.