Friday, November 18, 2011

Why I Should Have Destroyed My Mothers Womb Week

I’ve got a shit ton of siblings because at one point my parents must’ve decided that not buying condoms was an awesome idea and that children are the joy in the world that prevents cancer.

Growing up there have been multiple times in my life where I totally wished my first act after being born was to completely and utterly destroy my mothers womb to prevent the birth of anyone after me – I’m totally looking at you Womb Mate.

To just mangle it so badly that it was left unfit to grow new life and anything that attempted to grow in there? Would become mutated and eventually just abort itself because even it couldn’t handle how it was developing into a freakish monster.

But then I realize I would have needed a lazar eyes to accomplish this.

And then I get sad because I wasn’t born with lazar eyes.

Then I think how awesome it would be if babies were born with lazar eyes.

And then I get afraid that if babies were born with lazar eyes they’d decide to take over the world and since they are just babies no one would want to punch them in the face to save the world. Oh, and they’d have those eyeballs that shoot deadly, radioactive lazars.

And then those babies would shoot us with lazar eyes.

But then they’d eventually get radioactive and die.

And then the world would be awesome.

But I’d still have shit tons of siblings.

But then I wouldn’t be able to kick-off “Why I Should Have Destroyed My Mothers Womb” week where I share all the horrible stories of my childhood that made it really fucking kickass.

1 comment:

  1. I have 8 siblings. 8. The last few just fucking strolled out. I, of course, have a mishapen head from my terrifying escape from the womb. I hate them and their normal shaped heads.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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