Womb Mate; An Undiscovered Rhodes Scholar. Pt. 3

Considering the fact that the last two Wednesdays I pretty much used up the stories that the Womb Mate had written down in the box of her belongings I searched through, I was at a loss of what to post because I didn't have anything else to write. So I went to the Womb Mate and said, " Little sister, I have nothing to post today and because of that I'm going to have to close down my blog and stop my Internet fame." and she who shared a womb with me once but not really shared because I was born before her said, "I shall tell you another story child, gather around my fireplace and shut your fucking face while I tell you this awesome tale."

So I present to you the next story of the Womb Mate; An Undiscovered Rhodes Scholar.

The Bum Boat Pirate

Once upon a time in the great big Caribbean sea there was a pirate or two or four. However many that needs to be put in the story to make this work. He had a really really ugly boat so all the other pirates would call him The “Ugly Boat Bum Pirate”.

Since he got called The Ugly Boat Bum Pirate he wanted to kill them all. So, he hired a bunch of assignation mermaids to do his job.

So one glowy moon night there were three mermaids, one of which was one legged, swam to the other amazing awesome boats with three drunken pirates on board. They back flipped out of the water and on to the ship like ninjas, and they threw a bunch of fish eggs on the pirates. And then peed all over their boat and mermaid pee is corrosive. There for causing their ship to start disintegrated.

Then they wrapped the pirates in seaweed while distracting them with their big coconut boobs. All the pirates were screaming, “Darn that Bum Pirate, he’s got to be behind this. No pun intended. If that’s even a pun.”

So, they were thrown overboard by the mermaids and they have a back-up of an entourage of Balooga Whales also known as “Agent Zeros”. And they threw the seaweed-infested pirates onto the whales back. And then the whales glided to the Bum Pirate butt pounding boat.

And the Bum Pirate called all of the other seaweed-infested pirates to come on to his boat. He then locked them into a room filled with his farts that have been sitting there for ten years waiting for this moment. And it’s really stinky because he might have scurvy. We don’t know what he has. But it’s bad. And we don’t know if it was from Bum Piracy or not.

In the fart chamber as soon as he opened it up, green gas seeped out of it and he threw the pirates into the chamber. It was like a fart holocaust. And then the pirates died by choking on anal juice that evaporated into gas . 

So the Bum Pirate jumped onto his entourage of whales and took the mermaids back to the disintegrated mermaid pee boats. He made the mermaids spit on the boats to reverse the boats and he whipped the mermaids so they would cry and spit all over the boats to renovate them to good enough condition for a Captain Bum Pirate.

Once the boats were restored he walked over to the mermaids and he stepped on them with his peg leg and with his good leg, he booted them off the boat and said “GEET!” and just as he went to go sail away his heart blew apart and he died of a heart attack.

The end.

Anal juices turned into gas, y'all! I'll just let that seep in.

Womb Mate; An Undiscovered Rhodes Scholar. Pt. 2

Let's once again delve into the mind of my Womb Mate circa 1999 and see just what Opus is awaiting us because, honestly, despite the fact it's riddled with spelling mistakes that make me fondly remember what she types to me on Facebook in the present, it still takes my breath away over the level of emotion and symbolism she was able to use at such a young, tender age.

Our Little New House

It all started when my dad told us we were moving. 

"What! We can't move. I lived here all my life." My sister said. 

We got all packed up. We were on the road. When we got there everyone was so unhappy. 

"Lets go home. I dont like it here." I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"Womb Mate, Shut up!" Dad yelled. 

When we got to the new house, it was a big house.

"That's a big house." my sister said.

We all settled in.

The End.

I'm not sure what you'd consider angsty and pre-tween rage, but that right there? That totally is some really hard rage going on. Was it because she was uprooted at a tender age and forced to start a new? Or was it the poignant part where our dad told her to shut up? Reading this is like reading to the bottom of your soul.

That, or reading the first essay in Special Ed.

Womb Mate; An Undiscovered Rhodes Scholar.

While digging through our guest room in an attempt to start decluttering our shit, The Pilot and I came across a big box of shit that was titled "Womb Mate" and to my curiosity I pulled it out and decided I had to snoop. Which, of course, is what older siblings do and it was in my house it basically consisted of "mine".

However, I called her up on Skype to get an insight over what I was reading and finding in this box. Even though it was full of crap (Which, I must assure you she says is all great wonders and needs to be kept) I found a gem. A gem of stories.

Stories, dear readers, she's graciously allowed me to share with you on the blog. And by "allow" I mean she demanded because she was all "I'm super smart and funny and your readers need to share in my super smartness." and then she sang the Kit Kat song until my ears bled and I gave in.

I present to you: "The New Dog".

The New Dog

Once a pon a time there was a little boy named Jack. He lived in Mackenzie, BC. He always wanted a dog. He would bag and bag his parents for a dog. But they would say "NO!". Finilly one day his dad said "we are going for a ride son". I was wondring where we were going! I asked my dad like a hundred times. He would always say you will find out when we get there. I knew he would say that because thats what every parent would say. 

Then after 10 minutes we were in a big store called Pinkys Pet Store. I didn't know were he was going. But he whent to the store keeper and asked were the dogs were. Then I reallized the dog was for me. My dad said "Son pick out a dog." I could not say anything for a few minutes because I was so shocked. Then I found a golden retrever. It was just a pup when I got it so I called it Spunky.

Since that day I'm still doing chores to keep him. My mom thought I wouldn't pay money for him to keep him alive. But she thought wrong, like wushal! I even still play with him and I am 15.  I got him when we were 2. He was two too. He has the same birthday as me too. 

50 years later they both died. They are barried in the same spot.

The End.

If that touching story of a boy and his 50 year old dog didn't bring a tear to your eye, you are a heartless bastard fuck and I want to be your friend. Stay tuned in the future for the next installment of Womb Mate: An Undiscovered Rhodes Scholar when I present to you "The Big Move.", which I am assuming is semi-autobiographical.