Friday, February 10, 2012

It's OK Landlords, We Will Only Cry A Little Bit When You Bend Us Over & Fuck Us

At the start of the week we officially gave notice to our apartment building that we were no longer friends and that we were going to go our separate ways and if they could never contact us again, that'd be great! Naturally, our apartment people, didn't take this unfriending very well and decided that instead of putting on their big girls pants they pulled out their dildos and tried to fuck our faces and asses as we ran away screaming in horror.*

When we first signed on to be friends with our apartment they told us this lovely fairy tale that went something like this "If you leave before your lease you only pay xxx.xx amount of dollars and we leave as fond memories of greater times" but in reality it went something like this "Oh, so you don't want to be friends anymore, huh? Is it because I fucked your ex boyfriend and this shit on your kitchen floor that one time at the part? FINE! I don't want to be friends with you anymore and now you owe us xxxx.xx amount of dollars even though you have a month left on your lease and then xxx.xx amount of dollars for each month of your lease you've already lived with us. FUCK YOU AND YOU ARE A WHORE! I NEVER LIKED YOU ANYWAYS!"

And then they pulled out their dildo and chased us down the hallway while threatening to kick our dog in the face.**

So now we are spending this afternoon and weekend painting the apartment and doing what we can in attempts to get our damage deposit back or at least applied to the xxxx.xx amount of dollars they are trying to charge us. And the fun part? The list of things they gave us to do? Totally against what the government says we've got to do so at the last minute I'm pulling out MY government issues dildo and attempt to fuck them in the face while they run down the hill screaming in terror.

The best part of this moving in 16 days thing? Yeah, we've got like 2% of the packing done and THAT'S GREAT AND OK!***

Because, you know, it will eventually get done. But maybe after an episode of Jersey Shore, oh look! It's a fucking squirrel! AND I HAVE A BIKE!

Oh my god, we're screwed.

*Totally true story.
**Still totally a true story.
***Totally not a true story.


  1. Why do apartments have to be such bitches like that? I've been lucky: every one I've broken up with has been fine and even given me security deposits back, but I've heard of the nightmarish ones like yours. Good luck with everything!

  2. I lived in Puerto Rico and on a Wednesday found out that I was getting on a plane Monday never to come back. We had to pack our entire house, get plane tickets and close all our accounts in five days. It was crazy.

  3. Sounds like complete ass. I'm anticipating my moving days to consist of less face fucking and more slow, easy lovemaking.. despite the fact that no matter how much I prostitute myself to them, there is no way in hell I'm getting that deposit back.

    Good luck to you!


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