Tuesday, February 21, 2012

If I were Him, I'd Be Concerned About Poop Too

Over the weekend my dad was hospitalized because he's had some type of cold or flu for three weeks and when my mom and Womb Mate finally convinced him to go to the doctor to figure out what it was, they told him it was just a bad case of a virus that was going around and "Here, take some happy time pills and this should all just go away." and he took the pills.

Except they weren't happy time pills, they were more like "We are going to make things that much worse that we will actually attempt to kill you in your sleep, and you know what? That's because WE FUCKING HATE YOU!" and then they kicked his dog in the face while they were at it. He couldn't breathe in his sleep and every time he would fall asleep it was a mini suffocation.

So my mom took him into the emergency room again and the doctors were basically "Oh shit, OK, we were wrong. That cold? Yeah, totally a bunch of fluid around your lungs and your heart is doing something stupid that we may or may not want to shock it straight or, you know, cut you open and give you a ROBOT HEART! We don't know, but I'm sure it will be pretty fucking cool." and kept him in the emergency room. And then they stuck him full of needles and made the comment that they want to move him to a bigger hospital but the bigger hospital is so full of crackheads there isn't room for him. So they are sort of stuck of what to do.

Naturally, this caused a lot of family to mobilize that maybe shouldn't have mobilized and when it was brought to my dads attention of if he wanted to have a bunch of guests descend upon their cabin his answer was, "I don't want to have too much stress on the septic tank." because, naturally, when you are faced with probably getting a robot heart you don't want people to show up and cause your poop bucket to over flow.

Which, honestly, is a typical Tristachio Dad thing to say.

Womb Mate and I are torn. She lives five hours away and she wants to go but she's also got this baby that is sort of attached to her tit and there is a chance he could catch the bad cold that started all of this for my dad and that'd be a shitty thing to happen. I also happen to live a province away, have work, and am in the middle of a move. I'd love to drop all my shit and take off but then the poor Pilot would be stuck handling all of it on his own. Even though he sympathizes and has told me to take off if I need too.

This is one of the reasons why I am moving to BC in the first place, to be closer to family so it's not such a hard thing to deal with being so far away.

But then again, it's always nice to be closer in attempts to overflow that septic tank. You know, make a nice poop lake on his lawn.

Full of poop.


  1. My family and I live within 10 miles of each other, but my dad chose to have his heart attack while on vacation 800 miles away.

    We piled in cars quickly to try to get there in case he didn't make it through his bypass. He did and still doesn't stay home.

  2. @Brett: I'm starting to think the cold he had and couldn't get over is a blessing in disguise. It sounds more and more as if he's had a heart condition all along and never knew because he's so "anti-doctor".

  3. Holy crap! Your dad is in my thoughts. I'll be sending good good good vibrations your way. For your dad's robot heart AND the septic tank.

    Also, if I volunteer to be your house cat can I move with you to BC?

    1. Thanks for the good vibrations for the septic tank. And my dad.

      And yes, of course, you can be my house cat as long as you allow me to turn you into my film slave.

  4. At the risk of this being totally inappropriate, here's a peppy video that might cheer you up about things.

  5. At least he can see the humor in any situation? Does poop, perchance, "run" in the family?

    Yeah. I have the maturity of a 10-year-old boy.

    In all seriousness, I hope your dad is okay. I'm sure he appreciates anything and everything you do for him.


I once punched a baby kitten and then it died of cancer. The punch might have given it cancer. Comment or I'll punch you in the baby-maker.

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