How Can I Not Feel Accomplished About This?

Checking out the keywords that were searched into Google to find your blog is kind of like checking out the wreckage of a car accident. Or train collision. Or watching an episode of Jersey Shore. It's something you just can't not turn away from and have to watch in vivid detail as people die around you.

The keywords used to google my blog, though? They are sort of like if I was standing in line to get into the change rooms of a crowded public pool and a dirty old man in a speedo walks up to me and lovingly strokes my lips while his tongue quivered as he licked his lips and whispered "You've got a pretty mouth." and then walked away after honking the tit of the person next to you.

Need evidence? Of course you do. Of the keywords. Not the creepy old speedo guy touching lips. I'm still trying to block that mental image.

1." Bill Cosby Drunk" because it's only natural to want to know what Bill Cosby is like when he's drunk so I can only imagine the disappointment that followed when they realized it was just a video of me drunk and talking about how Bill Cosby fucked everything up by wearing a sweat.

2. "Grandpa Whore Makes Grandma Film" this one? Yeah, this one I can't even explain. I googled it myself just to see how it would be connected to my blog and you know what I found? Hundreds and hundreds of pages of old person porn. I could literally feel my ovaries mutating as I kept clicking through the search pages to find my blog and only to give up and figure just because I said my grandma would be killed for being old and using the world whore in the post I was subjected to the fact that grandpa is a whore who makes naughty films of grandma.

3. "Can I Fuck You Mom In Ass?" No, no you can't. Because she's dead. Or alive. I'm not really sure which category she falls into but you can't fuck her in ass, Borat.

4." Sounds Of Shit Dropping In Toilet" because this one perfectly sums up everything about my blog. It's the sound of shit hitting the water in a toilet. An empty toilet, might I add, because it's more of a dull plunk then the soothing sounds of a poop splash.

5. "Judgemental Asshole" Uh, duuuuhhhh. That's why I have a blog. So I can be Judgemental. And an asshole. I need an asshole to poop into a toilet, of course.