Motherhood Skills, Awesome?

Me: I'm going to have my kids knowing french from Toddlerhood, it's easier for them to learn at that age.

Co-Worker: Maybe I will teach a dog and a monkey Japanese.

Me: You are going to teach your dog Japanese?

CW: hahaahhaahhah, yessssss

Me: I'm also going to do that Baby Sign Language

CW: you are going to be a fab mom. can you be my mom?

Me: Yes, I can be your mom.

CW: yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Me: Now learn baby sign language or I'm going to cut you.

CW: mommm you are such a whore, daddy told me to tell you that

Me: Yeah, well you've ruined my life! Having to raise you and let my life go by! I wish I late termed aborted you

CW: mom but you cant its too late. I will ruin your life even moreee

Me: That's why it is my life's most bitter regret, that I didn't have the doctor scrape  your face out of my hypothetical cooter

CW: omgggggggggggggggggggggg! hahahahahahhahahaha. our father who art in heaven......

Me: So maybe you should think twice before mentioning your daddy. Who, might I add, was a dinosaur.

CW: hahahahahahah, daddy said that you have a penis

Me: Man, I would be the worst single mother in the world. lol

CW: hahahahahhahhahahaahhahaha

Me: And yes, I have a bigger penis than your daddy ever did. That's why he left.

CW: how big mom?

Me: Five feet three inches. I've got to tape it around my leg and waist.

CW: hahahhahaahaaaahahaahahaahaha. how did you have me mom?

Me: Outta my butt vagina. It was a difficult birth, for sure.

CW: awww mommmm you are some amazing. how did you get me out of your front butt

Me: It was my back butt dear. My front was taken up by my five foot dink

CW: ohhhh mom I'm confused...I don't know if I have a front butt of a backbutt

Me: I can't help you on that. I never checked, ever. I pretended those parts didn't exist.

CW: how did you bathe me, didn't you change my pampers?

Me: I hosed you out back in your clothes. Or threw you in the washing machine

CW: mommmmmmmmmmm you are funny now tell the truth do I have any brothers and sisters

Me: I wont lie to you Tatatink (Your real name), you did have siblings. Three of them. But it was a cold hard winter and they died. I forgot them outside after their bath. That's why I washed you in the washing machine in the winter. So it never happened again. Ever.

Me: Took me three winters to learn my lesson.

Me: That's why you were born. Because your three older siblings died.

CW: lolololololololol