What DO Meth Stains Look Like On A Carpet?

Because I've got a morbid curiosity over my blogging readership or that I may or may not have anything else to write today, I'm completely fascinated over those delicious Google Keywords that are used to find my blog. I've covered this before because, honestly, wouldn't you want to know if people were finding your blog with terms such as "Sperm Faces" or "Bill Cosby Drunk"? It these types of searches to my blog that sometimes makes me reconsider what, exactly, my blog is all about because these search words make it seem like my blog should be illegal and anyone who reads it should automatically gain eyeball cancer. In their eyes. Because that's what eyeball cancer does to you. Eye cancer. Look it up.

So, I was sort of surprised when I looked at it today and instead of seeing "Magic Puppy Sprinkles" or "Baby Kitten Angels" I found "Over 9000 penises" and I was like, "Holy shit, that's a lot of dinks." and then I started giggling because could you imagine how big of a room that it'd have to be to hold 9000 dinks in it? That's a big room. Full of floating, bally, dicks. Naturally, after reading that, I had to google search for myself and see what post brought that up because I don't remember righting about that much dinks before.

And the post it ended up being from was where I took stupid pictures of myself and wrote a letter to myself from the future explain how awesome I am and I may or may not have mentioned penis length in it, I think, but I doubt it, it's probably the side part of my blog where it promises to increase the length of your penis and somehow that makes 9000 PENISES! Because that's Internet logic, right there.

Right under the penis stuff happened to be this gem of "What do meth stains look like on a carpet" and are you kidding me? Of course I had to google that one because now I'm curious about what meth stains look like on a carpet because, you know, I'd like to be able to walk into someones house and properly diagnose that strange stain on their carpet. Like, is it wine? Juice? or Meth? And I wan't to proudly point out that it's from their failed meth lab and that they can't question me because I'm a google expert on what Meth Stains look like on a carpet. Interested in what a Meth Stain on a carpet looks like?

Yeah, it looks like Poo. Who knew? Once again I looked up what it was about my blog that would lead a concerned carpet cleaner over yonder and wouldn't you know it? Just about every thing I ever wrote could be linked to meth and carpet stains because that's all that showed up in the google search. My blog posts. One of which was actually about a carpet stain.

I can't help but feel like I learned something about my readers today and that thing that I learned isn't some happy morale lesson that will make me a better person. No, what I learned is that my readers are all about the 9000 penis and secretly run meth labs in their carpeted basement and this knowledge? Yeah, it's pretty cool but it also makes me want to have a shower.

Or find 9000 penises.

It's Fun For The Whole Family. Or Maybe Just That Creepy Uncle.

Out of curiousity I find myself intrigued over what searchespeople use  for my blog and a lot of times I am surprised that people can accurately use google to find me. Other times I'm pretty sure illiterate criminals have found a way to learn how to turn on their computer, or apply for a public library card so they can ineffectively create searches that lead them to me and then I imagine how dissapointed they must be when they find me and not what they were actually searching for.

It's got to be how a kid on christmas who asked for a puppy all year wakes up early to find a dead puppy underneath his tree because mom and dad got too drunk to remember to give the box air holes.

My blog is sort of like that, a dead puppy under a christmas tree. But slightly better.

Like, if I was google searching "spermfaces" I would be disappointed too when I came to this website and found out that no one has a face made out of a sperm because I'm sure that's what they are searching for because I like to imagine that they have a giant sperm for a head and they want to connect with other people who have a sperm for a face, and not that they are looking for people with sperm on their faces because that's just gross. And smelly. I also like to imagine their sperm tail makes for the best mullet ever invented by protien.

Or the people that find me by searching for "kicking small dogs" because they have a small dog they want to kick and figured the internet was the perfect place to teach them how to perfect their form and then they just find posts about how much of an asshole my dog is and not, actually, anything helpful in the proper way of kicking small dogs.

And then there is the people who find me by searching for "mutated babies" and those are the ones I feel for the most because they might have an actual mutated baby and they are reaching out for support groups to help them through the fact their baby has flippers but instead they find this post I did where I make fun of mutants that look like they have a mutant baby exploding out of their chests. But, if they just happen to be searching for mutant baby pictures to laugh at, I'm sure they will have enjoyed that post too.

How Can I Not Feel Accomplished About This?

Checking out the keywords that were searched into Google to find your blog is kind of like checking out the wreckage of a car accident. Or train collision. Or watching an episode of Jersey Shore. It's something you just can't not turn away from and have to watch in vivid detail as people die around you.

The keywords used to google my blog, though? They are sort of like if I was standing in line to get into the change rooms of a crowded public pool and a dirty old man in a speedo walks up to me and lovingly strokes my lips while his tongue quivered as he licked his lips and whispered "You've got a pretty mouth." and then walked away after honking the tit of the person next to you.

Need evidence? Of course you do. Of the keywords. Not the creepy old speedo guy touching lips. I'm still trying to block that mental image.

1." Bill Cosby Drunk" because it's only natural to want to know what Bill Cosby is like when he's drunk so I can only imagine the disappointment that followed when they realized it was just a video of me drunk and talking about how Bill Cosby fucked everything up by wearing a sweat.

2. "Grandpa Whore Makes Grandma Film" this one? Yeah, this one I can't even explain. I googled it myself just to see how it would be connected to my blog and you know what I found? Hundreds and hundreds of pages of old person porn. I could literally feel my ovaries mutating as I kept clicking through the search pages to find my blog and only to give up and figure just because I said my grandma would be killed for being old and using the world whore in the post I was subjected to the fact that grandpa is a whore who makes naughty films of grandma.

3. "Can I Fuck You Mom In Ass?" No, no you can't. Because she's dead. Or alive. I'm not really sure which category she falls into but you can't fuck her in ass, Borat.

4." Sounds Of Shit Dropping In Toilet" because this one perfectly sums up everything about my blog. It's the sound of shit hitting the water in a toilet. An empty toilet, might I add, because it's more of a dull plunk then the soothing sounds of a poop splash.

5. "Judgemental Asshole" Uh, duuuuhhhh. That's why I have a blog. So I can be Judgemental. And an asshole. I need an asshole to poop into a toilet, of course.