The Littlest Hobo? More Like The Stupidest Hobo

Oh hai, I'm going to ruin your fucking life.

Now, I’m sure some people would be ecstatic when a stray dog wanders into their town and instead of spreading rabies and shitting on lawns, he goes around and solves mysteries or kidnappings or prevents a murder from happening. Like, that dog would be a fucking hero and every attempt someone makes to adopt that dog sort of goes along the lines of the person begging the dog to stay with them because he just solved a fucking murder but the dog just straight up ignores their request and wonders off to the next town to solve more mysteries.

And then the town is left a better place because this dog totally did some awesome shit and made everyone happy.

But you know what? If that was my town and that dog started to solve my mysterious, I’d straight up lose my shit. Like, those are my mysteries to solve if I ever get around to it and who needs a fucking dog stealing my thunder and preventing me from being a town hero and having people beg me to live with them because I’m so fucking awesome.

Or what about the criminals that actually committed the crimes and made the kidnapping of little Orphan Jane seem all mysterious and unsolvable? How do you think they feel that some fucking dog showed up and ruined their shit by finding the little girl and causing the criminal to go to jail? It doesn’t matter that the criminal kidnapped an Orphan and wouldn’t have ever got some type of ransom because no one cares about Orphans. But it’s the principle of the matter. No one wants to be the dude in prison who has to announce in the showers, “ I’m only in jail today because I was outsmarted by a stray fucking dog. If you decide to shove something up my ass, that’s OK. I deserve it because I got outwitted by a dog.”

Do you know who the real victim is of The Littlest Hobo? The towns dog catcher because whenever he attempts to do his job and catch that stray dog and throw him in the pound where no one will probably adopt him because if he’s trapped in a pound he can’t solve mysteries, he looks like the biggest asshole because he’s trying to jail a dog hero.

I guess the biggest question is why hasn’t that dog been eaten by a bear yet?

That’d be the best episode ever.

Let this be a lesson to all you potential mystery solving dogs out there: You solve my fucking mysterious and I will personally see you eaten by a bear.