Did A Bear Just Donkey Punch Your Balls? Yeah, It's Called Life.

Sometimes life is like being on a comfortable inflatable pool floaty thing (You know those noodle things right? That when you were little and stupid you used it as a fake penis to bash into the faces of the other kids who stupidly used it as a floatation device and not a surrogate penis? Yeah, I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about the floaty pool thing that you lay on.) while floating down a gentle river creek that leads you into a lovable forest full of deliciously cute critters that want to bring you cocktails and nudey magazines and once you are all comfortable and relaxed it's all SURPRISE! That little creek you were floating on and drinking cocktails on and enjoying those nudey magazines? Yeah, those animals totally made you those cocktails using stagnant lake water that contains beaver fever because they hate you and want you to die.

But sometimes life is like white water rafting where they stick you in a boat and a life jacket and advice you that screaming at the top of your lungs while barrelling down a dangerous river full of rocks and hard pointy things that can cut out your eye wont do anything to prevent your eye from being cut out. And you know what? You hit one of those rocks and it flips your boat and everyone who you love that was on that boat drowned and died because a rock cut out their eyeball. And when you managed to avoid drowning and crawl to land to start the grieving process, SURPRISE! That's a fucking bear. And it just donkey punched your balls because it's a bear and it doesn't give a fuck.

What I'm really trying to say here is that animals are assholes and probably should all be eaten. And what? No! I didn't write this blog about eating and killing all the animals in the world because my dog happened to jump on the table last night and eat my dessert while I happened to take a bathroom break. And no, I didn't come close to skinning him alive but he ran under the bed where my little T-Rex arms can't reach him so he never got punished for what he did.

All I am saying is that life sucks sometimes and animals need to be destroyed before they destroy us. Is all.

That, or I want another piece of pie.