Pooping At Work. I Don't Do It.

Taking a doody at work is awkward enough because you never know if someone is going to walk in and look under the bathroom stall and see your shoes and immediately identify you by either saying your name and starting up a conversation and you hope to Baby Jesus that the "plops" don't happen in a lull in conversation or they just simply snicker to themselves and suddenly you're considered the "Work Pooper" and everyone knows that you have no problem dropping that load in a public toilet when, in fact, you really hate going doody in public because it's most likely a sin against evolution and one should only poop in their own toilet because then you can't be judge by the various levels of sound emitting out of your anus.

The only thing that can take the whole "It's awkward to take a dump at work" scenario into the realm of unreal awkwardness is when you finally give in because you really really got to take a doody and you hurry to the bathroom and thankthelorditsemptyandIcantakethisdumpinpeace! And as soon as you drop your drawers and start someone walks into the bathroom and instead of identifying you by your shoes or starting the work nickname "Work Pooper" they do something completely unexpected and just throw their breasts out there and begin to pump milk with a motorized breast pump.

Once you have set your mind to work poop there's no turning back so the only thing you are left to do is either hold it in until you possibly die from the strain or try and time the "plops" to the "sqooosh" of the pump and it's totally awkward because you know the person is letting her tits hang out  and Breast Pumper knows that you are totally trying to take a poop and timing the sounds so her breastyness hides the fact. In which case it becomes awkward for everyone.

And the next thing you know you're sitting in the bathroom for half hour because you're trying to play the "Who will either magestically finish their poop first or who will run out of milk first" game and it's a game you really don't want to play but you also don't want to loose so you wait until the point your ass is kind of getting numb and she finally finishes and leaves and then when you do finish your poop it's not anywhere neaer magestic and bordering on rabbit poop and it's a disappointment you waited that long for such a small pay off.

Then you realize you totaly missed a meeting because you just won The Great Poop Wait Off 2011.

But not that this happened to me or anything. It happened to a friend