Maybe One Day I Will Be The Patron St. Of Kickass.

Me: I'm eating Oatmeal out of a mug like a homeless person. I'm not sure how I feel about this.

Co-worker: I can't believe you just said that.

Me: It's really taught me that homeless people are people too.

Co-worker: Ha ha....

Me: They just don't have a home...but I do. And they don't have money...like I do. They also don't have warm clothes for the winter...like I do.

Co-worker: .....

Me: So, basically they are just poorer, cold, homeless versions of people too. I've learned so much because of Oatmeal.

Co-worker: Every time I talk to you I feel as if I've committed a crime against humanity.

Me: That's normal.

The Power Of Science Makes Me A Dick; Meth Makes Me A Genius.

Co-Worker: Omg! Did you know that many states in the USA it is legal to marry your first cousin and only legal in one state for gays to get married? Insane!

Me: My first cousins are doorknobs, I won’t marry them. Did you know in the Appalachian Mountains you can be your own Grandpa?

Co-Worker: That is sick, my cousins and I are as close as my bros and sister.

Me: In some countries they can marry as long as they can't have kids.

Co-Worker: Wwww, I don’t think that is right unless our earth needs to be populated and that is surely not the case, we are over populated.

Me: We are highly under populated so that's why I am going to force you to have twenty children that will have twenty children

that will have fifty children.

Co-Worker: Hahahahaahahahahhahaa

Me: Like that Alien Queen from Aliens.

Co-Worker: I don’t even want one.

Me: You will shit 'em out like ants.

Me: From your butt.

Co-Worker: hahahahahhahahaah, grossss

Me: and you will develope a mouth within a mouth.

Me: and be BFF's with Sigorny Weaver.

Co-Worker: oh lorddddddd

Me: Or Frenemies

Co-Worker: lolololol, what an imagination you have!

Me: Basically I'm going to recreate those movies with you as the test subject.

Me: with the power of SCIENCE!.

Me: And meth.

Me: Lots and lots of meth.

I Texted The Word VAGINA Four Times To My Baby Brother

I have a youngest brother who is a lot younger than I and he just happens to be at such an age where he’s forced to live with my parents who are retired in a desolate location so far away from town that they can’t even have the Internet and only a few channels on their television that ensures he’s a bored, bored little boy who, sometimes unfortunately, has access to my parents cell phone and texts like he’s calling for help.

Which, in some cases, that’s exactly what his texts are.

Last night we decided we were going to watch a show together and when I say decided it was more of a fact that I mentioned that this show was on and he decided to watch it with me and text me throughout the whole thing.  The funny thing about this show is that they sometimes have a guest “psychic” on it called Chip Coffee who is flamboyantly stupid and I’ve made several jokes to the dismay of my youngest brother that Chip Coffee, is in fact, his real father.

For your amusement, I present you the texts that took place last night during our show.

Youngest Brother:

ITS OOOOONNNN!!!

Me:

Are you excited that your dad might show up tonight?

YB:

Woot Gay old daddy!

Chip Nipple or whatever his name is.

Not my daddy, just The Pilot in drag (This is in reference to the female psychic they had on the first episode who was as a butch of a lady a chick could get before she crosses over into liking the ladies)

Me:

Ha ha, yeah eh? Maybe your daddy will be in the second episode.

YB:

Maybe the third or fourth episode! That’d be a merical lol

Me:

Only two on tonight.

YB:

Mine theres four.

Me:

Those are old.

YB:

Your old

Me:

Your dad is gay and old.

YB:

Atleast Im not dating a guy who likes to dress like a physicic lesbian

Me:

Yeah I sure love mashing our spectral vaginas together

YB:

LETS DO IT?

Me:

That’s what I say when the spectral vaginas touch.

YB:

Awkward silence.

And then a beam shoots up into space and thats how stars are born

Me:

Stars are born from The Pilots’ lesbian ghost vagina?

YB:

Yup, exactly.

Me:

Oh my god, your mom is in the second episode (And this would be Lorraine Warren, the fake psychic lady who was involved with the Amittyville horror story)

YB:

Meh, that old coon. We had a breaking out

Me:

Yeah when you broke out of her vagina

YB:

More like walk out that ol whore.

Me:

Did  you see your mom grab her own tit?

YB:

No ur ahead

Me:

She grabs her tit. Just for you. The one you suckled.

YB:

I never got a chance. The Pilot dated her when I was born and he was on it 24/7

And really folks, what could I have said to that one?