Polygamy Sort Of Just Made My Life Awesome

(This conversation took place after watching an episode of 'Sister Wives' on Sunday)

Me: "I think our lives will be so much better if I were able to have another boyfriend. You could have a Brother Husband and he could do all the stuff you don't want to do."

The Pilot: "Like what?"

Me: "Like, buy me a Bobcat for Christmas. Or an Alligator I could ride on."

The Pilot: " Good luck with that one."

Me: "Fine, I actually hope that your Brother Husband makes the dog love him the most and Bowie will never love you ever, ever again."

The Pilot: "Yeah, let's see him try."

Me: "If you ruin my plans for a Brother Husband for you, I'm going to email your mom about how you are forcing me into Polygamy and your hedonistic ways."
The Pilot: "Yeah right, all I have to do is go onto skype and cry mmmmooooommmmyyyy and she will come up here and murder you with her bare hands."

Me: "Are you threatening me?"

The Pilot: "She's got a black belt in Ninjitsu and a brown belt in Judo, only because she doesn't have the flipping power need to advance to the black belt stage."

Me: "You just used your moms Karate skills to threaten me out of giving you a Brother Husband for Christmas?"

The Pilot: "It's not a threat. I'm just letting you know that my mom is perfectly capable of murdering you with her bare hands at my request."

Me: "I'm totally asking your mom about her radical kung-fu over Christmas dinner."

The Pilot: "Do it, and she'll murder you with the same hands she uses to dish out Christmas pie."

My Relationship Is Better Than Yours. Ever.

Over the weekend the worst thing that could ever have happened and when I say the worst thing? I totally mean that it’s more worse than a whole tribe of Orphan babies catching cancer and you know what would make it even more worse? Those Orphan babies have baby kitties that got thrown in a bag and drowned in the river. Oh, and they also had cancer. Drowning cancer.

The thing that is worse than all that? My internet and television didn’t work all weekend and I was actually forced to interact with The Pilot. Like, we had to rely on our imaginations for entertainment and I know what is in my imagination and it isn’t something you should use as an entertainment based activity because SUPRISE! Everyone gets cancer and then you’d end up in jail. Or kidnapped by a Polar Bear.

Like, instead of watching movies together we had to lovingly stare into each other’s eyes and express our love for each other. Gross.

And, instead of watching all the items on my DVR I actually had to have a conversation with him about our hopes and dreams for the future. Blech.

Rather than cruise around on the internet and play games or taunt random strangers, we had to take romantic dog walks with the dog and act like a super happy awesome romantic couple.

Maybe instead of social networking, we had to make a delicious dinner together and talk about how we are the most kickass people in the world and everyone else? Yeah, they totally blow goats. Because they are gross.

Wouldn’t it be funny if it turned out like that instead of how it actually turned out? The Pilot was sick because this man has still decided it would be a good idea to bring illness into my house so while he was quarantined in the other room I had to like read, a book, a real book. And since he was sick I couldn’t really go into the bedroom because each time I did I couldn’t resist the urge to scare him awake or smother him with a pillow before I catch whatever it was he had.

And when he proclaimed smothering your boyfriend isn’t a healthy form of “relationship bonding” I started spanking him until he shut up with his psycho babble and made me some lunch. A bonding lunch that I didn’t have to make for myself.

Because that’s how relationship bonding goes. He makes me a sandwich.

A Dramatic Reading Of A Sexy Pirate Story 3

Because I missed last weeks editions of The Pirates of Desire I was tempted to do another video tomorrow of this dramatic reading but then I realized that I do sort of have a life and boyfriend that would love attention so I said screw it and just posted one for today.

Are you going to enjoy it? Yes, yes you are. Is it sexy? Probably! Is there mentions of tits and boobies? Yes, yes there is.

When The Pilot Flew Into My Life Pt. 4

With the Taxi Drivers' resume in hand and The Pilot waiting with a single rose, our date was finally underway. There was no more fake traffic, or fake delayed taxi drivers to get in the way of sitting down in the restaurant and going through the awkward getting to know each other in person phase that can either make or break a first date.

We laughed about the resume that I was still dutifully carrying around because I was only somewhat afraid that the Taxi Driver was lurking somewhere watching me to make sure I actually give it to someone instead of throwing it in the trash. We were seated in a booth in the back of the restaurant that was right next to a creepy velvet lined picture of a child, or a clown, or a misshapen clown-child that grinned down at us. It really set the mood.

Considering it's a pancake restaurant we both ordered breakfast items and I gorged myself on pancakes while we awkwardly talked about our day and what things we had in common and any other random things we could think of because despite the fact we had a lot to say to each other while we were texting it seemed to all dried up when we were in front of each other.

Needless to say it was extremely awkward.

After our meal we decided to pick up a movie and went back to his place to watch it. At this time he only rented a room in a house with several other pilots so when we showed up to watch the movie all of his room-mates were milling around and they kept trying to come into the living room and spy out or tease or just kind of hang around being weird and making it even more awkward.

At this point, honestly, I really was thinking that this date wasn't going to go anywhere because The Pilot literally sat across the room from me while we watched the movie and there was little to no talking while it was on. It was only after it was over that we began to talk and it was basically, "Do you need a ride home?" which I accepted.

The funniest thing about this part that always makes me laugh to this day is the lecture and speech The Pilot gave me as he was driving me home. He waxed on and on about how he wasn't ready to jump into any type of serious relationship and he wasn't sure what he wanted for himself and if he wanted anything at all it was friendship or casual dates that went as slow as a snail in a coma.

This lasted the whole fifteen minute drive to my place and I had mentally checked out and believed that this was going to be that and it was back to the drawing board. I was a bit disappointed because he was cute and his texts were so funny so it kind of sucked that I left with this feeling.

Luckily the wasn't the last thing I heard from The Pilot.

The Pilot & How He Flew Into My Life Pt.3

The Pilot continued to text me like crazy after our first talk and at first I was flattered and then I was amused and then I was just almost, nearly, kind of on my way to being somewhat smitten just with the fact that his texts were witty and funny and entertained me while I was working.

As is my style when it came to that tricky world of virtually meeting someone and then trying to find a way to blend into actually meeting in person I was always iffy about that. I didn't want to be blindsided by the fact that even though his texts are awesomely witty he was actually a professional axe murderer who liked to axe people on the first date.

I'll fully admit that whenever he would bring up meeting, I'd vaguely make a comment and then do the textual "Oh, look it's a fucking bear!" and talk about something else. It just so happened at that time it was the middle of winter and I was spending all my time outside at work training people in sub-zero temperatures and managed to catch myself a case of Bronchitis and had the perfect excuse as to not meet right yet.

But wouldn't you know it, the turd face managed to weasel a meeting out of me and reluctantly I agreed to a date despite the fact that I was sick and could probably infect him because that's how I roll on first dates.

Just to be safe I told him that I'd meet at Smitty's. For those of you who don't know what Smitty's is it's kind of like an IHOP. Filled with old people. And pancakes. Served by old people. Naturally it's the safest place to hold any type of first meeting because if he does try to axe me the old people would save me. Or shuffle away while I got chopped. Really, it's a 50/50 chance with that crowd.

The thing about that date, though, was I had to run errands most of the day and (as I thought) clearly expressed this to The Pilot but he must of understood it as "She's going to run errands but it's going to only take like five minutes and then we can go on our date. So any time after five minutes I'll text her and let her know that I'm already at Smitty's and I'll eagerly await her to show up and when it takes another forty minutes I'll text every five minutes until I get results.".

Yeah, that happened and it rushed me like who knows what and I had to keep saying (for some reason I didn't want to tell him the truth and admit that I was still in sweatpants and grocery shopping clothes and had not yet had a chance to get changed) that I was on my way despite the fact I wasn't. As I hurried to get ready I made up excuses that the taxi was late (at this point in time I didn't drive so it was a valid excuse) and he would counter with "I'll pick you up!" which would then have me decide to say "There's a lot of traffic!" which on any given day it could be true.

Once I finally did get into the cab though and get on my way I was bombarded with a taxi driver who gave me a long winded story about how in his country he was an Engineer and was top of his class but when he came over to Canada no one wanted to hire him and he was forced to drive a taxi for a living and Hey! Wouldn't you know it? I worked for A Giant Oil Company that always needs Engineers!

The taxi driver gave me his resume. Which he just so happened to have in the glove box of his taxi van and eagerly handed it to me as he pulled up into the parking lot of the restaurant.

Resume in hand, I got out of the van only to see The Pilot standing outside of the restaurant holding a single rose and looking utterly adorable.

The Pilot And When He Flew Into My Life Pt.2

The world of Internet dating on Internet dating sites is a strange, weird world filled with strange, weird people that probably want to stick you in a hole with lotion and a hose only to eventually wear your skin and prance around with their genitals tucked into their legs. And during my foray into this weird, weird world I had my fair share of encountering those type of people.

Some of these people wouldn't even hide the fact that there was something wrong with them. Right off the bat they'd talk about how I should doing their masterbating for them down by the river in the dark with ropes and other gross, creepy things that would have led to me being buried in a ditch or a hole or the river and those emails got deleted as fast as they would arrive.

Then there were some that weren't creepy or weird but normal people that things just didn't quite work out with. Like the one guy who once I had determined was "sane" enough and given him my phone number decided that it was OK to send me texts that were overtly sexual and kind of odd but then I decided to ignore and divert to other safer, topics until the night we went on a date and had pasta and then he had me sit in his car for a good forty minues in my driveway while he showed me Weird Al music videos on his ipod. I was only set free when I sent a stealthy text to my best friend (who, luckily for me, happened to be staying with me for a month or so) and had her come outside and tap on the passenger door window to rescue me and ensure my freedom.

I never had a second date with that guy.

Or the guy who took me out on our date to Tim Horton's as an unknown group date with his friends which ended up with us playing boardgames in a weird old ladies house and since I never played the board game before and I ended up utterly dominating the other players in my victorious win I was sent home and never bothered to try to arrange anything else with the guy.

So after these two dates I was pretty put off by what I had encountered online and was ready to put in the towel. What was the point? To me, at time the, it was pointless. Nothing was coming from it and you know what? I was growing happier each day just being me and not worrying about some boy.

Wouldn't you know, it always works out that way. The moment you declare "I do not need a penis in my life!" BOOM, suddenly you get a penis. Well, not your own, but someone elses. Like, a borrowed penis. Not for keepsies. You still have your vagina.

It was then that The Pilot popped up into my radar. He messaged me first and when my email dinged and proclaimed that I had mail, I was watching television with my best friend and was only slightly bored so I decided to check it out. Both of us sat there for fifteen minutes looking at what he wrote and what his profile was about. It was full of airplane pictures and pictures of him and his corvette. It wasn't a profile that really jumped at me but it was mildly interesting and like I said, I was bored.

"Are you going to message him back?" my friend asked in mild curiosity herself.

"Yeah, I'll give him my email so we can talk to each other on MSN." which was an odd first step for me to pick because I normally didn't give my email out that quickly and just preferred to spend an extended period of time messaging back and forth on the website.

Seconds after I had sent it to him, MSN dinged with an offer from an email I didn't know and it was him! Excitement all around! At first we did the normal small talk about names and how long we were in the town together and blah blah blah and I could sense that my friend was getting mildly interested just as my interest was growing.

But it got to the point in our conversation that things started to get interesting and I got more interested and as my interest grew the more I kept shielding the screen from my friend. I didn't want her to see my excitement or interest after I proudly proclaimed my "No Need For Penis" stance.

The funny thing about our first conversation? It was funny about how we both kept trying to make creepy references and only served to make each other laugh.

The Pilot is six years older then me, in fact this September he's going to be thirty while I just turned twenty-three this past January. I was twenty-one and he twenty-eight-going-on-twenty-nine when we met. Naturally, of course, we talked about his shag carpeted stranger-danger van and all the candy he'd have to offer me and the fact that it was way past my bed time and his retirement home was calling and it was time he went to have his sponge bath.

It was funny, I was laughing and no one had made me laugh like that. So when he so casually gave me his cellphone number I gave it back and then he declared it was time for him to eat dinner (which seemed odd because it was 10:00pm at the time) and he would talk to me later and promptly got offline.

And I left it at that.

Until before I fell asleep he texted me.

The Pilot And When He Flew Into My Life Pt.1

The thing that I never really explained to anybody except the few people close to me and not even my own parents, really (and I'll dive into that in a moment), was how exactly The Pilot flew into my life and completely turned it upside down and forever stole the affections of my dog in the process.

You see, we met online. Yup, we met on a popular free dating site. Even just saying that sends a bad taste in my mouth and makes me want to hid under my desk and hide away for the rest of the year rocking back and forth while some motherly figure soothingly strokes my hair and feeds me delicious soup or something. It just fills me with an overwhelming sense of "loser hood". Like, only dorks or unlikeable people find love or some form of it online and I've always been slightly ashamed of it.

Whenever my parents would ask (and they still do, trust me) I always flippantly give them a "oh, we met through friends" and luckily my parents have never really asked "Oh, what friend" because they don't really know anyone I know up here in this town. Which is luck, just right there.

The main reason that brought me onto that dating site was the fact that I was dumped two months previous and I was miserable. Because getting dumped does that to a person. I spent at least two days rocking back and froth not knowing what to do because despite the fact that I knew the year long relationship was crumbling to the ground and it was only a matter of time before it ended I kind of tried to pretend it wasn't and just thought of rainbows and cute puppies instead.

But that's what happens when (due to various reasons at the time like getting diagnosed with Bells Palsy) I had become an emotionally, needy grabby handed person that needed to be coddled all the time because, hell, I had a frozen face and probably wasn't ever going to have it cured but when it went away and I was fine again I still needed to be coddled because I was wallowing in the "Woe is me, why is this happening to me?" sort of mind-set.

Heck, I would have dumped myself. Or punched myself in my theoretical girl nuts and told me to suck it up and walk it of while not being a pansy. Once I stopped rocking enough and let my little sister in on my woes she told me, "Why not join a dating site? Everyone is doing it these days."

And I sort of dug my heels in for a little bit because the idea was just embarrassing. Was I not a hip enough cat to meet people face to face or in a strange social setting in person that I now had to resort to like online dating?

Then I sort of decided to do it after hemming and hawing over it because I realized what type of town I lived in and I'd probably get stabbed by someone first before I ever got to the phase of asking them what they did for a living and what type of hobbies they enjoyed doing. Stabbing people, apparently.

With my profile made and pictures loaded to said profile and with what I managed to fill out my "About Me" section with something I thought was super witty and not all cheesy like those old "Lady Friend Wanted Ads" found in the back of old newspapers, I joined the world of online dating.

And it was from there that I eventually met The Pilot.....