Thursday, May 31, 2012

Somehow, I Knew My First Project Would Be Porn-Esq

School is a hard thing, you know? It's harder than doing a Degree over Distance Education while working a full time job. They actually expect you to show up as if you don't have anything better to do at 8:30 in the morning. Like, HELLO, it's not like I enjoy sleeping in or anything!

But the thing is that it is fun despite the lack of getting to sleep in and be all leisurely, and it's even funner (Yes, that's totally a word and I'll cut you if you disagree) when you get to film crap. Literally, they will let you film anything.

School project that involves fake mustaches, tied up shirts, and instructions from behind the camera to the actor that basically says "Push your butt out more, WE NEED MORE SASS!" they will totally let you film that shit.

Well, the stand in teacher might have a horrified look on his face when he walks into the middle of that set without any context of what is going on, though.

And the odd thing? This really had nothing to do with what we were shooting.

So it's obvious that it's my Destiny to be a Porn Director.

A terrible Porn Director.

Who needs more Sass.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012


Hey there Friends that I have been ignoring because life is so busy and important and too cool for any of you to actually be apart of the group but I do still sort of feel bad for you so when all the cool kids leave then I am sort of willing to hang out with you but I stand five feet away just incase your uncoolness is catching! How have you been? Good? Great? AWESOME!

I'd like to recant a special story to you all that happened a few nights ago that I feel you will enjoy.

I'm a whore for back tickles. If you have fingers and you can move them I will probably force you to tickle my back until you develope finger pain and then they fall off. You can say I'm addicted to them because I can't fall asleep unless I am tickled to sleep and The Pilot is the one stuck tickling me no matter how many times he tries to tag in the dog to do it. That fucker scratches.

The other night The Pilot fell asleep tickling me and it sucked because I had not fallen asleep before him. So, I started to move around and in his sleep state he started to give me shitty tickles. They may have sucked, but they were still tickles and I need my god damn fix. So I moved some more and got more tickles. And then I started to talk to make sure if he was sleeping or not and no matter what I said, I got tickles as if his sleeping mind was trying to shut me the hell up and leave him alone.

So I was making sounds just to get tickles. That's how bad I need these things.

And then I farted.

And he gave more tickles than I had previously gotten just by talking to him.

 I farted and that sleeping fucker took it as I was talking and gave me mega tickles.

And then it stunk and woke him up.

The end.

Monday, May 21, 2012

What's Relaxing At The Spa? Horse Sex, Obviously.

This past weekend I just so happened to have to make an unplanned trip to my parents place, which just happens to be about eleven hours of being stuck in a vehicle with the spawn of Satan (The dog, of course, and not The Pilot (( even though he did call me 'Piss Lips' this weekend over something trivial. Yes, Piss Lips. Think about it for a second. Ah -- there you go, you got it.)) ) and it was a woozy.

You know what made the trip though? Seeing an advertisement for this Spa that totally made me almost make The Pilot swerve off the road and kill us because it was so fucking insane. I've tried Googling the image of their billboard but I couldn't find it so you'll have to excuse my weak attempt at describing it's awesome horribleness.

Picture a naked lady who has her nakedness covered by what appears to be cloves of garlic laying down in a field of a ranch looking as if she is going to be ready to sleep. And then, behind that naked lady covered in garlic cloves, is a horse that totally looks like it's about to run her the fuck over or have sex with her. Because she's a naked lady covered in cloves of garlic.

Naturally when I saw this I was like "Fuck, why is that horse about to run over that naked chick covered in garlic?" and The Pilot just casually said, "Because it's relaxing, I guess."

And I could only shake my head and exclaim, "But. She's. Naked. And. Covered. In. Garlic." and he responded with "Either way she's naked and about to be run over by a horse. I guess it's confusing and slightly erotic." and then our trip basically became silent for a full hour because that's a hard sentence to fucking process.

And that's how I came to the conclusion that I'd probably never be allowed to go to that Spa because the moment they come at me while I'm naked with a horse or garlic I'd start karate chopping fucking throats.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Someone Needs A Falcon Punch

The other day while The Pilot and I were shopping at a grocery store we had never shopped at before in an area that I'd like to call sketchy but The Pilot says isn't sketchy because the buildings around were too nice and it was close to the Hospital, we happened to stumble upon something that made me laugh and shake in disgust at the same time.

When we came back to our vehicle after shopping around the store, I happened to notice something that was next to the vehicle that wasn't there before and fuck me, I didn't even bring my camera.

Next to the vehicle was a used pregnant test. A recently used pregnancy test. So, this basically means someone bought a test in the grocery store and decided to use it with our vehicle as cover for the fact they are poppin' a squat in the ghetto grocery parking lot.

Then I realized that the dog was in the vehicle while we were inside and most likely had witnesses the whole thing. And it made me wonder how awkward that would have been to be peeing on a stick in a parking lot of a grocery store while some random dog watched and or barked at you.

And then I realized it was positive.

And then I cursed myself for not having my phone and taking a picture.

And then I went home and made dinner.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Shit Son, This Is Hard

I have to admit it was tons easier having a blog when I had a job that didn't entail that I actually had to do a lot so I was able to dick around on the Internet and just make up blog posts to entertain myself. But, now? I actually have shit to do and it's hard to keep up with this because like, I'm busy.

But the funny thing is really awesome things are happening in my life right now and it should be the time that I am blogging about it and being "Shit yeah, son, this is awesome!" and then bragging to all the people on the internet about it.

Like, I should be bragging about how one of Canada's television providers/stations decided to give me and two others our own talk show to be in charge of because we're just that mind blowingly awesome? Or, maybe one of the guys blew a lot of people to give us this chance but I don't care! We got this chance.

Or about how I get to work on a movie set that is populated by television starlets from 90210 or Gossip Girl? Not that I really watch any of those shows. Okay, my friend might watch 90210 every now and then but I don't.

Or about how The Pilot almost applied to a sex shop that had a deceptive name called "The Wild Kingdom" which he thought was a pet store and I thought was an outdoor adventure park but it ended up being full of dildos and fake vaginas.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Well, This Makes Living In A Heroin Den More Awesome.

I found this hilarious exchange while attempting to do my laundry today. Funny thing is, I think that was my mess I made a week ago and didn't bother to clean up. Why? Because I'm living in a heroin den and there was no paper towel in the laundry room. And, really, I live in a heroin den.

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